Sunday, 12 December 2010

Don't Open Til Christmas

Greetings. If you look at the title you're probably thinking I'm gonna lecture you into not opening your Christmas presents early but you'd be wrong. I'm gonna lecture you about a God-awful movie with that very name "Don't Open Til Christmas".
In terms of classic Shitcase Cinema bad films I manage to review this is right up there with the best of them - think Sleepaway Camp meets Camp Blood pissed up on too much sherry at a Christmas party. I had a laugh at watching it and doing a review but as always it's left me drained and another little break is needed. Don't worry though, I know some of you will already be crying but fear not, it'll only be a week. I'll have a brand new review ready for you all to see on New Years Day. Yep, tune in on 1st January to cure your hangovers by watching a new Shitcase review. I'm not going to tell you what it is although one person already knows as she's been nagging at me for a long time to do it so there you go, now SHUT UP WOMAN! :P
I have to get serious for a moment - yeah, I am able to do this from time to time but it's a rather alien experience for me. I'd like to thank everyone who has been a fan all of this time and continued to watch my videos. I've said in the past I started making movie reviews as something to simply amuse myself and this fact remains but the fact that so many people seem to like what I do gives me a huge amount of satisfaction. It's nothing new, there are literally thousands of random goons out there making movie reviews but I like to think (without sounding arrogant...well, too arrogant) that my reviews are better than some spotty nerd sitting in front of his webcam boring the entire world to death. Actually, let's face it, I'm fucking great, aren't I? Admit it, it's fine :)
I did a diary update last December and mentioned the subscriber total was at 418. I was thrilled with this that so many people were bothered with what I do. As I write this update, it stands at 1,720. That's a nice increase in 12 months I must admit. People say I deserve more. Some people say I deserve my own TV channel. I agree, these people are obviously very smart. Thanks guys!
Yesterday's review of Oasis of Zombies was a laugh to make but man, it was such a boring film. Seems like a few viewers saw fit to make me look like a twat and correct me about the frogs living in deserts fact and Nazi's in a desert. Cheers. See, Shitcase Cinema gets you educated in some weird way. Brilliant!
So, this wraps up 2010. Thanks a bunch for watching and thanks for reading this because this is what the year has boiled down to - this important diary update from yours truly. Review highlights for me personally would be: Zardoz, Camp Blood, Sleepaway Camp, Broken Arrow and probably Bubba Ho-tep. Go watch them again, it'll pass on sometime before the next new Shitcase video. It makes sense, trust me.
Hope you all have a great Christmas and a happy new year. John. 12th Dec 2010.

Thursday, 9 September 2010

Don't go to Sleepaway Camp!

Chances are if you're reading this then you'll have watched my most excellent review of Sleepaway Camp thus having paid a short visit there. It's bad, isn't it! However, it's hilarious for various reasons but I'm not going to talk about those points because you can just watch the review repeatedly and go ‘Oh yeah, how amusing, John really is great at doing this!’ Go on.

One thing I will mention though about Sleepaway Camp is the cop (PIG!) with the fake moustache. What's that all about? I always thought nobody would ever match the wonder that is Bennett’s moustache in Commando but this, this is mental. It looks like black paper stuck on. Maybe we could all make this a new fashion craze if we all stick on fake paper moustaches on our faces? Girls should do this too, as it’ll puzzle people even more. Brilliant.

So, what’s next in the Shitcase pipeline I hear you ask? Well, a truly awful film called With Friends Like These. It was recommended to me by a viewer so I thought ‘what the hell, it can’t be worse than recent films I’ve reviewed’. It sucks. It’s boring. It’s dire. It’s not worth your time. It’s shit. It’s been reviewed, sure, but I hate it and never want to see it again. You can see it this coming weekend if you behave.

I was thinking recently that a lot of what I review are horror movies and I don’t want to be labelled as a horror film reviewer. It just so happens that crap horror films come into the world like pennies from heaven (pennies don’t drop from the sky in reality but I sometimes feel the need to cater to the more brainless people out there).

Worked on an Evil Dead 2 review these past few days – yeah another Goddamn horror movie. I didn’t want to but I’ve had messages for a long time from people saying I should make a review. I will not, however, be taking a look at the other two Evil Dead movies. I know I said this when it came to the Carnosaur movies and probably some other stuff that I’ve forgot about but I mean it this time. Unless a giant floating stone head called Zardoz tells me otherwise.

Thanks as usual to all people who send in messages on Youtube, the Facebook group or just random psychos who recognise me in the street and chase me like those evil businessmen in suits from Halloween 3 (this is a fabrication, please understand).

Got some videos put onto a website that features films and games after the guy who runs it messaged me. I don’t really know what it’ll do but it may get one or two more people to randomly walk around shouting ‘SUSAN!’ in their everyday lives. It’s fun, I’d even call it therapeutic. If you’re mental.

Saturday, 21 August 2010

August Shitcase update

Hello. I've been meaning to do an update for a few weeks but when there's crappy films in my way it's hard to get distracted, you know how it is. Perhaps.
So there's not much really to update you on with regards to Shitcase Cinema. Since the last update I've done a few reviews on epic tales such as Deep Blue Sea, Grim Weekend, Dead Man's Hand and other crap. Hope a few people out there watched them and enjoyed them. Anyone? Not many people seem to read these updates here but that's OK. For you few who do it's kind of like a special secret fan section, isn't it? Well, maybe not, but just pretend it is. Added value.
Much say a huge thank you to fans and subscribers who have said some very lovely and humbling things about my style of reviewing films. I appreciate it so much. And yes, I whole heartedly agree with a few of you, I SHOULD be famous and have my own TV show haha!
There's a few films I would love to do but like I say to people who message me, I have a hard time getting my hands on a lot of movies. I might ask Professor Bruce to go in his time machine and go grab me a bunch of DVDs from recent years and also the future. Not heard from him fora while since I started publicly putting him down in several recent reviews. Very strange boy.
Today's review was Octopus 2. I've had it on DVD for years. It came free with my DVD player in about 2002. I always thought it was boring more than anything, so I decided a few weeks ago to watch it again for a review. Jesus, I laughed so much. It's so bad it should be more well known. Perhaps with the review I put up today it will catch on with people who love shit films. The CGI jumping out of the statue of Liberty scene had me in stitches it is so hilariously bad.
What's forthcoming then? Well, Bubba Ho-Tep is next as I finished making that review a few days ago. I like the film and the review is quite amusing too. When I first starting doing Shitcase reviews I didn't make them as amusing as they are now, it was about 80% of me moaning and saying things were shit, but as time has gone on I changed the style and let me sarcastic nature come in and I'd say now it's only about 30% me slagging off films no matter how bad. I can easily make reviews on films I love, yet do it in a style that according to quite a few people is quite unique and amusing. See Big Trouble in Little China for an example.
A lot of people said they loved the Broken Arrow Shitcase theme, and I personally love it myself, so thanks for DJ Not-I for the help with that. Some people wanted it to stay as the main theme but it just wouldn't work. It's the Broken Arrow them for God's sake, will you settle down? "We're looking for her! SUSAN!"
Ah yes, that great line from Grim Weekend. What more can I say other than "SUSAN!"? I do this on a regular basis. I may set it as my ring tone on my mobile phone as I currently have "OH MY GOD!" as my message alert. And no, I'm not giving out my number before you ask. You can have Bruce's though if you like? He doesn't have a phone if you were wondering, being a homeless hobo is a hard life. Poor bloke.
A number of people keep trying to add me as a "friend" on Facebook. I have to say, this is weird. Some people add anyone whereas I've never understood this. I only add people I know in person. Sorry about that, it's nothing personal but you must understand.
I mentioned something a bit back about making a one-off video for Facebook but I'm not sure about that anymore mainly because A) I can't think of anything B) It'd be bloody stupid to do it when I can put it on Youtube for more people to view C) I can't be bothered and D) A-C are good reasons so I don't need a D. Hmmmm.
Chow for now, thanks to everyone who watches, leaves messages and spreads the word. Tell your family, friends and random people about Shitcase Cinema. I might buy you a drink in the future for it. ZARDOZ!

Saturday, 10 July 2010

Camp Blood!

Greetings! Hope everyone is enjoying the summer. When summer arrives it means getting out and enjoying the sun, perhaps go camping or something. I went camping a fortnight ago for a few days and had a really good time but couldn't help but keep thinking of that comedy classic Camp Blood. Now I've just uploaded the review of this gem to Youtube so if anyone is reading this update I'm pretty sure you'll have cast your eyes over the review. Did it make you want to go out and pitch a tent? I personally wanted to kill my brain cells with more beer but I have to say, I had fun reviewing it and pulling it to pieces because it's so bad. Just remember though people, if you go camping, you don't want to go to camp blood!
Shot past 1,000 subscribers last week which is amazing, so thank you to everyone who watches the videos. I even want to take the time to mention the dozen or so "hard core" fans who message me every few days telling me I rule and that I should review this and that. Bless their little cotton socks.
On the topic of asking for films to be reviewed, I'm happy to pretty much take a stab at anything but with some stuff I've just never heard of it and when looking into it to do research on it I just can't get my hands on the Goddamn things. I've recently kept taking a trip to pound shops to see what crap they sell on DVD but other than Camp Blood, Demonic Toys and Demons 2 they have nothing at all worth wasting a pound coin on. Saying this, my latest purchase has to be the most terrible film in existence. Yes, it's that bad, trust me. I've actually completed a review it in the past few days so that'll be uploaded for you all to see in about two weeks time. Oh, and if you have read this far and are curious as to what this dull suicide inducing movie is called then here you are: Grim Weekend.
Remember Professor Bruce? You know, that guy who pops up every now and then looking like a hobo and thinks he's a professor? No? Well, that doesn't matter too much but regardless of this fact, he'll be returning to a few Shitcase Cinema reviews in the very near future. I filmed a few little scenes with him last week and they'll be used in a couple of different videos just to make it look like he actually makes an effort to show his face! He's not lazy, he just can't be fucking bothered! Is that classed as lazy? Yeah, I believe so. So for my own amusement, as is always the case with every review I make, I've had little digs at Professor Bruce, which I'm sure he really loves deep down.
As as a little bonus treat for you handful of brave souls who have read this far, I'll let you know what the next review is going to be. You ready? Do a fake drum roll, please. Oh the tension is building!! Broken Arrow. What, you're disappointed? Piss off! It also includes an exclusive diary that I kept on Professor Bruce just for a chuckle. Added value and all that. I really do rule, don't I? I think fans of Shitcase Cinema must be the most intelligent and astute people in the world.
So, I think this is enough for now. I'm going to go set up my tent now and look to the sky for a giant floating stone head called Zardoz. Don't go to camp blood! Cheers! John.

Saturday, 12 June 2010

I'm, wait. June.

It's not like I even left for long from reviewing films as there was only a break of a single week without a video uploaded. I don't think anyone will have noticed either way. The subscribers total has creeped up to 901 as of today, which is amazing. Seriously, I'm not being sarcastic there! It's wonderful that people all over the world watch them because my family and friends lack the decency to support and watch them (except my brother and one single friend) so it's great that someone from, say a small island in the middle of nowhere, will watch my videos and leave nice comments. Cheers!
Plan 9 From Outer Space is the latest film to be reviewed by my humble self and I had a blast making it. It is regarded as a joke of a movie, and it's obvious to see why so I hope people enjoy the review I did. Anyone with half a brain will pick up on all the points I did.
Last week I bought a crappy DVD from a quid shop for a laugh. I certainly got a laugh out of it because it's fucking awful in both the best and worse sense. It is literally something a small group of friends have made together with a free weekend using a camcorder! This gem is called Camp Blood and will certainly be a future review indeed! I won't go on about it here though, you can hear all about it in the review when it pops up in perhaps a few weeks time.
On the other end of the scale I watched a good film this week (something I seldom do!) called Gran Torino. I'd heard good things about it and Clint Eastwood is a living (just about) legend so I picked it up on DVD. It's certainly a good touching film with a lot of messages in there but I felt slightly disappointed with the ending somewhat. It's a sad ending but it just didn't quite have the right level of satisfaction for me. However, the music at the end is one of the most tender emotional songs I have heard in my life, beautiful.
And for the two or three people who read these updates (or blogs or diary updates, etc) I'll let you know now that the next two upcoming reviews shall be: Demonic Toys and then Pet Sematary. This is a fact because they're both complete and ready to be uploaded. I have to say, I do like my Pet Semetary review a lot, one of my personal favourites I think.
So, thanks everyone, bye for now and see you in the next review!

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

Taking a break...

Don't worry loyal and dedicated fan, I will not be taking months or even years off. I just want a few weeks off from killing my brain cells via some truly awful films.
Pocket Ninjas and Zardoz, despite being amusing and laughable, left me drained and so a few weeks off to recharge the batteries will see me come back ready to tackle those crap movies better than before. I hope.
Must take a moment to thank every single person who sends me film requests, I'm always flattered people take the time to message me, whether it be a simple "Please review ..." or an essay length message. It's really pleasing to me. Even the arseholes who leave a few negative comments make me smile because A) They've taken the time to watch that particular video and B) They're taking even more time out on me by sending me a message. Silly bastards. It then moves on to phase C) when I smile even more as I delete their bile. Silly bastards. I think I already said that.
The time I am away will not be wasted. I shall be training as a ninja to impress master Richard Harrison, hunting down the evil Irish business man who makes Silver Shamrock Halloween masks, looking to the sky for giant floating stone heads called Zardoz and running old people over in the streets to gain 100 points ala Death Race 2000. I'm going to have fun, I'm sure.
I'll be back before you know it. You will miss me, right? Remember, if you do, you can always grab a beer and sit back and watch a few old Shitcase Cinema videos, God knows there's enough of the things floating around like giant stones heads.
Speaking of Zardoz, I keep having this uncontrollable urge to say the word Zardoz out loud, no matter where I am. Yesterday I saw a poster advertising a Wizard of Oz show, which made me laugh out loud. No longer will I be able to see the world in the same light thanks to a mental 1974 film with Sean Connery. Amazing.
Well, this is all for now. Nobody will read this any way. I have a feeling Kurt Russell will though. Maybe.

Monday, 1 March 2010

What will March bring Mr. Shitcase?

Hello. How are you? Have you been watching shitty films religiously? I sure hope so. If not, you are unworthy. Indeed!
So, what's new? Yesterday I uploaded the review of Passenger 57. I know it's not a majorly bad film but I personally felt a stock action film needed to be Shitcased. Plus, it's another film to tick off the endless list of requests I get. Speaking of said list, it's growing beyond my control and there is no way I can possibly keep up with the requests nor even get my hands on many of the films for that matter! Even if I were a supreme ninja like Richard Harrison I wouldn't be able to manage it. Damn, I am now unworthy.
Professor Bruce returned a few days ago from time travelling, so he was able to spare a little time to film some footage, so you'll seeing his face once again in the near future - aren't you a lucky bunch! I bet you can't wait and are already counting down the seconds!
Any way, I can tell you now that the next two reviews will be: Puppetmaster and then Death Warrant. I know this because I went to a fortune teller and she told me so it must be true - I had better get my arse in gear and start making them! Oh, wait, they're already done. Wow, this is amazing. I am now worthy again. Oh my Gaaaaawd!
Thanks to everyone who have been leaving nice comments on recent reviews and sending in messages to me, it's always appreciated and makes me want to buy you a beer but I think it's best if I just drink it myself, so that I am able to continue putting myself through the torture of shit films.
Cheers, John. 1st March 2010.

Friday, 29 January 2010

What's happening?

So, what is happening? Not much for Shitcase Cinema. I haven't really worked on anything in the past week, I need motivation to give me a kick up the backside and get working on a new review.
However, don't worry loyal followers of Shitcase Cinema, I have a few reviews already complete and ready to be uploaded so you won't notice a gap at all.
This weekend's upload shall be one of my personal favourite old-school horror flicks, called Horror Express. Yes, it's a little camp and dated by the standards of today but look beyond that and it's a wonderful 85 minutes of horror fun. I hope anyone watching it will enjoy my take on it.
I am trying to get myself ready to review another childhood favourite, Krull, but when I ripped the DVD the audio was 'ruined' by the audio commentary or strangely put into German language! So basically you could say it's useless but I'll try to work my way around that in the following week or so.
I'm trying to constantly think up of new ways to make Shitcase Cinema reach out to a wider audience but I keep hitting a brick wall. Had a lot of positive comments from various sources lately, which is always a great boost, so I thank those people. Thanks to people who keep on watching, fuck the rest of you.

Sunday, 3 January 2010

Another year of Shitcasing!

So 2010 is under way and it means more films will be Shitcased. I just uploaded Frankenhooker earlier today, which is one of my personal favourite reviews due to a number of reasons - getting dressed up and dancing about to Elton John's Crocodile Rock was very interesting but it amused me so in it went along with the short Kurt "fucking" Russell song.
I have to say I don't know how long I will carry on with Shitcase Cinema review this year, we'll have to wait and see what happens.
For perhaps the one person who will be reading this (me?) the following reviews will be (in no particular order): Sleepstalker, American Ninja, Horror Express and possibly Puppet Master.
I'm still not sure how to honour the 2nd year of Shitcase Cinema in February so I may not do anything whatsoever. As always, we'll see.
Now I must go grab a beer and shout at my TV some more "STOP IT! STOP IT!"