Greetings fellow wannabe ninjas. Well, I’m a supreme ninja so I’m in a different category to you guys but let’s not nitpick. Now, the plan for this particular blog was that Professor Bruce was going to write it. Ha fucking ha. So here I am. Yet again. In the last blog I wrote and I quote: “I have no idea what he has planned and I’m 99% sure he has no idea right now either until I keep harassing him about it for months on end.” This was with regards to his solo movie review, which like his blog update hasn’t taken one step from the starting line.
But let’s catch up on all good things Shitcase Cinema related, yes? Why the hell not. Sean Connery phoned me up the other day. I was shocked. He called me numerous nasty names before claiming Zardoz was his finest work. Turns out I’d drank too many beers the night before as it was only a dream. Bollocks! I’d love Connery to phone me up and start castrating me verbally, I’d laugh so much. I’d then give him Bruce’s home address so he could zoom on down there and castrate him physically. I would laugh so much at that also.
|Maggot Man getting ready to be The Mummy!|
So, the last few reviews on Shitcase have been interesting and challenging to make. Let us begin. Let’s start with The Mummy. Now despite Shitcase Cinema being branded officially as a place that looks at 1980’s movies we do look at films outside of this particular decade thanks to Bruce’s time travelling device. Now, people message me sometimes asking why I don’t review more up to date films. Sometimes I do, if only these people would take the time to look through my review. You GOONS! Bloodrayne was 2005. Mega Piranha was 2010. My Bloody Valentine was 2009. Maybe I’m a moron but these are up-to-date movies, correct? Yes? Thanks very much. Next. So The Mummy (1999) was something I’d wanted to tackle for some time because A) I knew it like the back of my hand as I like it a lot, and B) I thought it would make for a fun review, not only for viewers but for myself to make. Now if you look at the photo to above you’ll see that we filmed a silly skit for the movie review, so we (Bruce, Maggot Man and my humble self) had a fun time for this review. Now some people ask me about the skits. Basically, in 95% of them, I come up with a daft idea, I write it down, I explain what I want, and we film it. I thought it was funny, we did it and Bob’s your uncle as they say. It’s one of my personal favourite skits we’ve done in recent times, I have to say. The movie itself speaks for itself but I believe it made for a fun review and I hope people enjoyed it otherwise I’m wasting my time.
Castle Freak was next. Now this film was donated to me on DVD by a Shitcase fan called Giancarlo. Thanks very much. He deserves a slap for giving me this awfulness but in true Shitcase style I instead call him a supreme ninja, which he is. It was indeed a film that needed someone to pull it apart and it’s odd because since the review went online it instantly got several thumbs down and people saying I was being harsh on it. How dare you?! Sorry, but was I asking for your opinion? If you don’t agree with my rating for the film don’t fucking hate on the video. It does annoy and dent my belief in what I do when this happens but at the end of the day it’s just a bit of fun…I’d still ninja star those goons in the back though. So, a shite film that I gave a shite score to and I had a blast ripping it to pieces. SUSAN!
Next was Starcrash. Now, honestly, I could write nonstop about this travesty but I won’t. In short I was told about this movie by one Mark Overholt aka Mr Camp Blood 2 after I got in contact with him with regards to the five year anniversary. So, I was informed, I watched it, my jaw dropped and I simply had to review. But I would only review it if Mr Camp Blood 2 would appear in a cameo, which thankfully he agreed to and I believe it’s a new Shitcase Cinema classic review. Now the thing a lot of people moan about is “Why don’t you make HD videos?” I could write nonstop about this but I won’t. In short, if I rip a DVD to review it’s not ‘HD’ standard ala Bluray or whatever else, it’s DVD quality. Now, I see nothing wrong with it but people like to bitch about the latest technology which I’ve never cared about in my entire life. Second, the processing of HD videos takes longer than a standard video and takes up a lot more space. So I decided to make this in HD quality to shut people up and do you know something? Only one fucking person noticed it was Goddamn HD quality. It took me twice as long to make and put together and for what? For nothing. Still, it’s a great review and my thanks to Mark for his sense of humour.
Most recently was Spontaneous Combustion which is something I’d wanted to do for a while. I first saw this maybe 7/8 years ago with an ex-girlfriend and we thought it was so lame we used to joke about it all the time. “What do you fancy watching honey? Spontaneous Combustion?”. Again I think it’s one of my better reviews of recent times but I put it back to the normal standard quality. One early comment I saw was “When are you going to go HD?” I’m positive I swore out loud at the screen when I read that remark. The fact that about six people will bother to read this blog makes me wonder why I do anything sometimes, but, c'est la vie (that’s life). Brad Dourif’s cries in that movie make me chuckle at least.
So, other than the reviews during the past five weeks on the Facebook group (remember where lots of exclusive videos and photos go) we’ve had The Shitcase Challenge. I wanted to do something different and get the fans involved somehow, so I thought about a challenge and a voting system. Basically every week (one video a week) Bruce, Maggot Man and myself participate in stupid challenges and the fans vote for who did it the best basically. It’s just us having fun as normal but we filmed it as I thought it would be fun. Going by the amount of votes on every video about 6% of our Facebook group were watching. I think there’s a lot of people on there who have dead accounts or just don’t read or view anything, so I may do a little spring cleaning on there. Still, Johnny Shitcase won overall, which I am pleased about. The five challenges were: beer can pyramid, garlic bread wine vampire drinking, best impressions, Zardoz pose-off and Death Race to the face.
Exclusive: The next few reviews will consist of Tremors (asked for by many people over the years), No Retreat No Surrender and….lots of other crap. I’ve done a new silly Van Damme related song for No Retreat No Surrender which I find amusing, it’s done kind of like a rap but not exactly. I feel I can come across in a more daft approach when done in this style such as the Octopus Rap or Shitcase Rap and be more creative.
I can’t promise the next blog will be by Professor Bruce but maybe if you wish for it then it will happen. Leave him a few messages on the Facebook group or on Youtube videos, he’ll get the idea eventually. Thanks for reading and of course thanks for watching, it’s appreciated. I’m taking a few weeks break currently, which is good as I’ve been fighting the cold this last week so there wouldn’t be a new review this weekend regardless.
Oh, I’m 90% sure now that the monthly Facebook ‘Shitcast’ videos will be retired as they don’t seem to interest anyone, so they’ll go the same the same way as our film audio commentaries sadly. Trying fresh ideas to keep things interesting sometimes doesn’t work. Oh, join the pointless Twitter Shitcase channel too if you want. No pressure. How long does Shitcase Cinema have left in it? Five years and still going strong, so who knows…maybe when I get picked up by a TV channel or get my own radio show or anything really things will end…maybe Godfrey Ho will offer me a role in a new ninja movie?
John 13th April 2013