Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Shitcase Cinema hiatus

Yes, folks, from early August Shitcase Cinema will be on a lengthy hiatus for possibly 6 months. Why? Because I'm going to go hunt some ninjas in New Zealand. Yeah, I'm going backpacking so any New Zealand fans out there this could be your chance to meet your hero in the flesh. I'll miss doing the reviews and I'm sure some of you will miss watching them. The Facebook group will still remain a lively place I'm sure so get yourself on there if you're not a member.

The next review will be Nightmare on Elm Street 5. It's such a bad film and I didn't think I'd ever want to go near it for a review but here we go. Got a few fan clips in there, so thanks to those guys for sending them in. Not sure what other reviews will be forthcoming before I go away as my mind is on other things right now.

And just for the sake of being random here is a photo of Maggot Man beating up Professor Bruce because he's a fat lazy professor and I'm sure fans like to see him in pain and what not. I know I do!

Oh, Bruce is working on a new song (a Van Damme one). I wrote the lyrics to poke fun at Bruce. Stay tuned for that, coming soon!

And one final thing, I have to say that Diamond Ninja Force is the most mental film I have ever seen and I think the review I did has instantly become one of my favourites ever. Oh, and if you were wondering why Maggot Man did a solo review it's because Professor Bruce is still wondering what to review months after I asked him for a solo review.

Hope you enjoyed our one and only live web chat video we did the other week. It was short notice so not many people tuned in live to see us but there is an edited 20 minute version on our Facebook group to watch back, so enjoy that.

So keep your eyes turned towards the sky because Zardoz will fly by one day as Shitcase Cinema will return one day. Thanks for the support over the years guys, it's greatly appreciated.
John 12 / 06 / 2013

Saturday, 13 April 2013

Bits and bobs...

Greetings fellow wannabe ninjas. Well, I’m a supreme ninja so I’m in a different category to you guys but let’s not nitpick. Now, the plan for this particular blog was that Professor Bruce was going to write it. Ha fucking ha. So here I am. Yet again. In the last blog I wrote and I quote: “I have no idea what he has planned and I’m 99% sure he has no idea right now either until I keep harassing him about it for months on end.” This was with regards to his solo movie review, which like his blog update hasn’t taken one step from the starting line.

But let’s catch up on all good things Shitcase Cinema related, yes? Why the hell not. Sean Connery phoned me up the other day. I was shocked. He called me numerous nasty names before claiming Zardoz was his finest work. Turns out I’d drank too many beers the night before as it was only a dream. Bollocks! I’d love Connery to phone me up and start castrating me verbally, I’d laugh so much. I’d then give him Bruce’s home address so he could zoom on down there and castrate him physically. I would laugh so much at that also.

Maggot Man getting ready to be The Mummy!
So, the last few reviews on Shitcase have been interesting and challenging to make. Let us begin. Let’s start with The Mummy. Now despite Shitcase Cinema being branded officially as a place that looks at 1980’s movies we do look at films outside of this particular decade thanks to Bruce’s time travelling device. Now, people message me sometimes asking why I don’t review more up to date films. Sometimes I do, if only these people would take the time to look through my review. You GOONS! Bloodrayne was 2005. Mega Piranha was 2010.  My Bloody Valentine was 2009. Maybe I’m a moron but these are up-to-date movies, correct? Yes? Thanks very much. Next. So The Mummy (1999) was something I’d wanted to tackle for some time because A) I knew it like the back of my hand as I like it a lot, and B) I thought it would make for a fun review, not only for viewers but for myself to make. Now if you look at the photo to above you’ll see that we filmed a silly skit for the movie review, so we (Bruce, Maggot Man and my humble self) had a fun time for this review. Now some people ask me about the skits. Basically, in 95% of them, I come up with a daft idea, I write it down, I explain what I want, and we film it. I thought it was funny, we did it and Bob’s your uncle as they say. It’s one of my personal favourite skits we’ve done in recent times, I have to say. The movie itself speaks for itself but I believe it made for a fun review and I hope people enjoyed it otherwise I’m wasting my time.

Castle Freak was next. Now this film was donated to me on DVD by a Shitcase fan called Giancarlo. Thanks very much. He deserves a slap for giving me this awfulness but in true Shitcase style I instead call him a supreme ninja, which he is. It was indeed a film that needed someone to pull it apart and it’s odd because since the review went online it instantly got several thumbs down and people saying I was being harsh on it. How dare you?! Sorry, but was I asking for your opinion? If you don’t agree with my rating for the film don’t fucking hate on the video. It does annoy and dent my belief in what I do when this happens but at the end of the day it’s just a bit of fun…I’d still ninja star those goons in the back though. So, a shite film that I gave a shite score to and I had a blast ripping it to pieces. SUSAN!

Next was Starcrash. Now, honestly, I could write nonstop about this travesty but I won’t. In short I was told about this movie by one Mark Overholt aka Mr Camp Blood 2 after I got in contact with him with regards to the five year anniversary. So, I was informed, I watched it, my jaw dropped and I simply had to review. But I would only review it if Mr Camp Blood 2 would appear in a cameo, which thankfully he agreed to and I believe it’s a new Shitcase Cinema classic review. Now the thing a lot of people moan about is “Why don’t you make HD videos?” I could write nonstop about this but I won’t. In short, if I rip a DVD to review it’s not ‘HD’ standard ala Bluray or whatever else, it’s DVD quality. Now, I see nothing wrong with it but people like to bitch about the latest technology which I’ve never cared about in my entire life. Second, the processing of HD videos takes longer than a standard video and takes up a lot more space. So I decided to make this in HD quality to shut people up and do you know something? Only one fucking person noticed it was Goddamn HD quality. It took me twice as long to make and put together and for what? For nothing. Still, it’s a great review and my thanks to Mark for his sense of humour.

Most recently was Spontaneous Combustion which is something I’d wanted to do for a while. I first saw this maybe 7/8 years ago with an ex-girlfriend and we thought it was so lame we used to joke about it all the time. “What do you fancy watching honey? Spontaneous Combustion?”. Again I think it’s one of my better reviews of recent times but I put it back to the normal standard quality. One early comment I saw was “When are you going to go HD?” I’m positive I swore out loud at the screen when I read that remark. The fact that about six people will bother to read this blog makes me wonder why I do anything sometimes, but, c'est la vie (that’s life). Brad Dourif’s cries in that movie make me chuckle at least.

So, other than the reviews during the past five weeks on the Facebook group (remember where lots of exclusive videos and photos go) we’ve had The Shitcase Challenge. I wanted to do something different and get the fans involved somehow, so I thought about a challenge and a voting system. Basically every week (one video a week) Bruce, Maggot Man and myself participate in stupid challenges and the fans vote for who did it the best basically. It’s just us having fun as normal but we filmed it as I thought it would be fun. Going by the amount of votes on every video about 6% of our Facebook group were watching. I think there’s a lot of people on there who have dead accounts or just don’t read or view anything, so I may do a little spring cleaning on there. Still, Johnny Shitcase won overall, which I am pleased about. The five challenges were: beer can pyramid, garlic bread wine vampire drinking, best impressions, Zardoz pose-off and Death Race to the face.

Exclusive: The next few reviews will consist of Tremors (asked for by many people over the years), No Retreat No Surrender and….lots of other crap. I’ve done a new silly Van Damme related song for No Retreat No Surrender which I find amusing, it’s done kind of like a rap but not exactly. I feel I can come across in a more daft approach when done in this style such as the Octopus Rap or Shitcase Rap and be more creative.

I can’t promise the next blog will be by Professor Bruce but maybe if you wish for it then it will happen. Leave him a few messages on the Facebook group or on Youtube videos, he’ll get the idea eventually. Thanks for reading and of course thanks for watching, it’s appreciated. I’m taking a few weeks break currently, which is good as I’ve been fighting the cold this last week so there wouldn’t be a new review this weekend regardless.

Oh, I’m 90% sure now that the monthly Facebook ‘Shitcast’ videos will be retired as they don’t seem to interest anyone, so they’ll go the same the same way as our film audio commentaries sadly. Trying fresh ideas to keep things interesting sometimes doesn’t work. Oh, join the pointless Twitter Shitcase channel too if you want. No pressure. How long does Shitcase Cinema have left in it? Five years and still going strong, so who knows…maybe when I get picked up by a TV channel or get my own radio show or anything really things will end…maybe Godfrey Ho will offer me a role in a new ninja movie?

John 13th April 2013

Sunday, 24 February 2013

I'll tear out that serpents tongue of yours!

Greetings to our master (that's me, obviously). Are you worshipping Shitcase Cinema and Zardoz on a daily basis? I hope for your sake the answer is yes. So what’s new since the last blog update? In the last one I mentioned the five year anniversary and the special guest cameo I had lined up. Yes, it was only the king from Kingdom of Gladiators! Were you impressed? See, my connections stretch far beyond anything you can possibly imagine. Next year it’ll be Sean Connery in a red nappy with a pony tail and a moustache. Fact. My profound thanks go out to Bryan Murphy for his involvement, he’s a great guy (I have to say this otherwise he’ll tear out my serpents tongue!).

I’ve recently read quite a few comments on Youtube and Facebook from fans asking where they can get a Shitcase Cinema t-shirt like the one I sometimes wear in videos. You can buy one from our official store here. We’ve had it setup for maybe six months or so now but only sold a handful of things. One lovely lady out there purchased three items last year, so our thanks to her. You are now called SUSAN as far as I’m concerned. What an honour that is.

To keep things interesting, here’s a random photo of Bruce trying to be the king from Kingdom of Gladiators. Complete fail my friend, back to the dungeon for you! HOW DARE YOU!

Staying on the subject of Susan, the last few reviews and upcoming reviews involve female characters called Susan. I’m currently working on a review of a film called ‘Mirror Mirror’ from 1990, which has a mental case in there with the lovely name of Susan and of course the recent Blue Jean Cop review had a sexy Susan in there. Any Shitcase Cinema fan worth their salt will know the whole “SUSAN!” nonsense, but if you’re clueless than please check out the review of Grim Weekend. I’d love to meet the guy. Funnily enough I tried tracking him down to get involved in the five year anniversary special earlier this month, but to no avail.

If you saw the Jaws 3 video last week you’ll have seen Professor Bruce moaning about not getting a say in what we review so I responded and I quote “If I let you do your own solo review but I say you’ve got to do three gnarly things”. He said sure, he did them (including getting wine thrown onto his crotch by Maggit Man!), and so now he has a solo review forthcoming. Are you excited? His last solo review was that Star Wars special. I have no idea what he has planned and I’m 99% sure he has no idea right now either until I keep harassing him about it for months on end. Stay tuned.

As a little exclusive for reading this far I’ll let you in on a secret. The next few reviews will be, in no particular order: The Mummy, Mirror Mirror, Castle Freak (thanks go to Giancarlo for sending me this DVD!), and whatever Bruce has lined up. If you get bored of waiting for new reviews you can always watch back old stuff we’ve done, I mean we’ve been around for over five years now so chances are there’s stuff out there you’ve missed. May I take a moment to recommend three of my personal old school choices? Yes? Cheers, you are most kind, I hereby announce you a supreme ninja who wears Blue Jeans, sports a sexy tash, eats octopus (or is it octopi?) and you have my permission to buy drugs from a clown in an ice cream truck called Killjoy.

On a last note I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Mike Abbott. Who? He’s the ultimate ninja. Come on folks, get with the program. Man alive. I’ve spoke with Mike on the phone a few times but only recorded our last one for a Shitcase special. Sadly when it came to putting it together I discovered the audio quality was all over the shop. I was very pissed off but I did the best I could with what I had. The line wasn’t clear to start with, as it was a long distance call as Mike lives in Hong Kong but damn, I was annoyed hearing it back, hence why I typed out all of Mike’s speech for the video on Youtube. If you’ve not seen it please check it out, you have no idea how much time and effort went into this. Not only doing the video but also getting Mike to agree to a chat and have it broadcast for people (you lucky ones) to hear. He’s an ultimate ninja, so if you don’t check it out then he’ll ninja star you or something mental. Ninjas can do that. So I hear.

Well, I guess this brings us up to speed. We did a new Shitcast the other week. These videos are an exclusive for the Facebook members so if you’re not a member on there then join up as I usually post stuff on there which is only going to appear on there (unless fans decide to somehow put the stuff onto Youtube or wherever, which I wouldn’t object to). As always, thanks to everyone for their ongoing support, kind words and I hope we can continue to entertain, amuse or baffle you for some time to come.

All the best, John, 24th Feb, 2013

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Happy New Year Shitcase fans

Yo, so it's now officially 2013. Wow. Next pointless fact.

So it's only one month to go until Shitcase Cinema turns five years old. Fact. What can you expect as a celebration? Well, I'm hoping some mega rich Hollywood movie star will stumble across on Shitcase Cinema and decide to contact me and film a cameo. Failing this idea I have lined up a special guest to appear in a cameo role and the best thing is that he is a full-on Shitcase legend. I'm very excited and you should be too. The five year anniversary videos (yes, two!) will consist of the normal Shitcase awards for the past 12 months, lots of bloopers/outtakes, a compilation of nut punching (ouch), compilation of abuse on Bruce (haha), other randomness and a full on Q&A with Prof Bruce and Johnny Shitcase. Cool dude!

I hope you enjoyed the Conan review we did just before Christmas. Took bloody ages to film everything and edit it all together; had a lot of camera issues and do you remember that wonderful skit of Professor Bruce half naked running around looking for the Wacky Scientist? Well, that had to be recorded a total of three times on three different occasions, much to the annoyance of Bruce. Don't get me wrong, I take no joy in seeing Bruce's beer belly on display but I knew that even if nobody was amused by the footage then at least I'd laugh at it. I love coming up with daft skits and telling Bruce to do this and that.

2012 was a wonderful year in terms of the videos we put out. I personally think the year produced some of the best Shitcase material ever and this covers stuff that is not just the movie reviews but our film audio commentaries on Soundcloud and our monthly 'Shitcast' videos on Facebook. If I had to pick my five favourite Shitcase moments of 2012 then these little beauties would be there:
  1. Kingdom of Gladiators review
  2. Predator audio commentary on Soundcloud
  3. Conan the Destroyer review
  4. Nightmare on Elm Street 2 review
  5. Octopus rap
And here is a random photo I took of Prof Bruce recently while we stock on energy drinks to battle through some shitty movies for a night in. I just happened to carry in my pocket a toy figure with a tash. Normal.

So what can you expect for 2013? I'm not even sure right now as to what the next review will be. No idea whatsoever. I've decided to do no more film audio commentaries because despite the fact that Bruce, Maggit Man and myself had a laugh recording the few we did under the influence there didn't seem to be any real interest at all so the last one is officially the Predator one - which incidentally I think is the funniest one we recorded and is still available to download but don't expect to hear much about the film itself over the one hour forty minutes it lasts.

Hmm, what else? Maggit Man started writing out a feature length movie script which was funny but it would be impossible to film on any level and would cost a record amount of money. I have recently put forward the idea of us scaling ideas down, making it more grounded and seeing if we can get something filmed this year as a feature length special. Don't hold your breath. I also aim to get Professor Bruce to do more reviews himself. It's hard work churning out reviews all the time and keeping them as fresh as you can. How long can I carry on? Who knows. Zardoz knows but I've not seen him for a while. Probably need to drink more booze and get my ninja training up to a supreme ninja.

So I'll wrap this up here, wish you all the best for 2013, thank you for your support over the last five years (if you've been around since the start and I doubt anyone who was is still watching now!) and be a good ninja.

All the best,
John 1st January 2013