Future plans for Shitcase Cinema

Yo, what's up? Are you shell shocked I've followed up the previous blog update so quickly? I really do rock. Good.
So we've launched our own official online store, Zardoz approved it so we went through with it after much discussion. So far I think we've sold exactly two t-shirts to date, so thanks guys (or girls). If we keep this up at the commission rate we get we'll get super rich super quick! Whatever.
I've been working on a new silly rap for a new review. The first one I did for El Chupacabra went down really well and I'm really proud of it and I had a lot of fun making it. I feel that when I do things in the 'pirate' voice I can enter a totally different mind frame and be totally mental. Honestly, just speaking in that voice really does open up a new creative section in my warped mind. I guess being in 'character' allows you to be anything you want. This new rap will appear in a future review of a film called 'Octopus'. I'm going to stick my neck out and say it's better than the 'Shitcase Rap' which appeared in El Chupacabra. I should become a full time rapper, but I don't really like rap so go figure. It's just more fun to do songs this way and allows me to be supid. Sure, I've done short songs in People Under The Stairs or Arachnophobia for example, but that's simply me singing normally with my guitar. Anyway.
So Professor Bruce is working on a solo review. Yeah it's like his 4th review in the past 4 years, Jesus Christ, hold on tight folks! He's so productive. I keep trying to find ways to bring him into film reviews but it's tough cos he's got no real knowledge of films apart from Star Wars and stuff like that. Myself and 'Maggot Man' try to educate him. And beat him up. And hit him in the balls. It's all fun.
Did I mention in the last blog about our 'The Thing' audio commentary we recorded? Perhaps, I don't know. Any way, check it, and look at the photo of us sitting around half drunk acting like goons. Nice.
So as an exclusive for people who bother to read this blog, the next few film reviews will be 'Dead, Undead' which is a bullshit film but the review is great (obviously), Prof Bruce's review (some Star Wars related thing, obviously), and Octopus featuring the new rap song. I'm very tempted to make new daft raps for Halloween and Christmas. We'll see. I'm feeling very productive currently and have a whole heap of ideas ready to go. I really deserve my own TV show on some hip channel so I can step things up 100x. Yo, go email TV channels now and tell them about Shitcase Cinema! Good idea.
Bye for now, John 5th August 2012

First update of 2012, wow!

Yeah I know I've been very lazy when it comes to this blogging update business but I've not heard anyone complain so therefore it means nobody reads these so I'm off the hook. Good.
Plenty of stuff to catch up on since my last update in December such as the fact that Shitcase Cinema passed 5,000 Youtube subscribers recently. Doesn't sound like all that much when you think about it but I'm pleased that this amount of people take interest. Strange how videos never get more than 2/3,000 views initially but whatever. It's still amazing.
So what can I talk about? I know, did you know that Zardoz is almighty and needs worshiping? I'm sure you do. Well, how about I tell you about the issue we had with Youtube/Fox with our Zardoz movie review. Oh yeah, what a load of bollocks that was! It had been on Youtube for about 2 years and suddenly it was taken down and put our account in bad stead. You wankers! Naturally I was not impressed, it's not like I'd just uploaded the entire film illegally or something mental, it was a daft tongue in cheek movie review and if anything I've helped spread the word of the movie and helped it make some money as I know people have gone out and bought the DVD after seeing my review. So fuck you Fox! In fact I think those arseholes should write to me with an apology and send me some money for my efforts in spreading the love of seeing Sean Connery in red nappy's running around with his sexy tash and pony tail - gives me an idea to embarrass Professor Bruce, haha!
You may have seen the music video we did in response to this fiasco, which we named 'The Copyright Song' in which we sang about Zardoz and had a dig at Fox in our own silly mental way. We were proud of what we did. In the end Youtube and Fox caved in to the almighty power that is Shitcase Cinema and the video was reinstated. Justice was done.
What else can I catch up on? Erm, well, the Shitcase laptop died a few months ago after a few years of solid service. I was gutted and devastated but thank God I was able to save all the data - cost over £100 to get the data saved, good old PC World. I have to give out a huge shout to one Shitcase fan named Kevin, who took it upon himself to organize a fundraiser. I was absolutely humbled and amazed by this and in the end £65 was raised which really took my breath away. It really makes me understand that what I do means something to people and they appreciate what I do. Brilliant.
Did you see our 'Bennett Song'? It was our tribute to our favourite bad guy from Commando. It was literally 3 years in the making, which sounds ridiculous but from the point at which we started the idea to when it was finished it was literally 3 years. I nagged at Bruce for all those years to get it finished and despite periods when it seemed like it would never make it, we got there. I'm very proud of it, it's us having a laugh and whether people liked the final song and silly video we filmed, we're pleased with the outcome. Fact.
A few months ago we recorded an audio commentary for Commando. Along with Prof Bruce and myself was 'Maggot Man'. It was a first time thing and if you've heard the file (which is available to download from our official Soundcloud site for free) you may catch on that we were new to the idea of talking for 85 minutes straight about a film. I've listened to it back myself and I think we did a decent job overall, it's amusing at times, insightful and interesting to listen to three goons half drunk.
I'll quickly mention our Expendables spoof episodes we've done. Erm, not many people watched them and the feedback wasn't very positive overall. The thing is, this has nothing to do with Shitcase Cinema, it just so happens I uploaded our two episodes on the Shitcase account. We know it's poorly acted, badly filmed and looks like it's been filmed after a few beers. This is because this was the case. I wrote a few pages out of a silly idea for myself and my friends to film when we had some spare time together and we had a laugh making it. We did it for our own amusement more than anything. The bizarre thing is a few people actually posted really negative comments on the videos which I had to delete and they felt the need to unsubscribe from our channel. You sad pathetic losers. Seriously.
Before I wrap this blog up and neglect it again for several months I'll briefly mention we are opening an official store where you can buy t-shirts and mugs and all that jazz. We sent out one t-shirt to one lucky winner from the Commando audio commentary (yes, there was a chance to win a free t-shirt, bet you wish you'd listened to it now, don't you!). As I type this I believe the lazy Prof Bruce is just fine touching the online store so if you feel like buying a t-shirt or something then please do - it'll help spread the word of Shitcase Cinema!
So I'll leave this here so I can go find SUSAN! She's still lost and I'm still looking for her. Thanks to everyone who watches and I'd just like to give a huge shout out to the Facebook group who are an amazing bunch of people and there's a lot of great movie related discussion on a daily basis. If you're not a member please join us to chat to like minded people, it's becoming a wonderful little community!
Cheers, all the best. John 8th July 2012

Anyone read these?

This is my first update on here since I've returned from my personal travels to the USA. I don't think anyone reads these any way, but I think it's good to put certain things down for future reference - like when I wake up tomorrow completely sober I'll be like "when the hell did I write this?!?!". Keeps things interesting. So since my return I've done a few reviews and to my delight the subcriber number on Youtube is well over 4,200 now! Amazing. Should be more though, oh yes, so get telling your friends about Shitcase Cinema, Goddamnit! If I become famous I'll buy the first 4,200 people a nice present in the future.
A couple of weeks back I reviewed 1997's action flick Face/Off. Now when I was working on it I was thinking what I was doing was pretty good and I was really pleased with the overall review come the end. Going by a few comments once I'd uploaded it, people were moaning at me for slagging it off. I really wish people would realise what I do/say isn't 100% truth, it's mostly sarcastic and tongue in cheek, although I guess because I'm like this most of the time in real life (out of the Shitcase version of myself) people sometimes take things the wrong way. Shit happens. I enjoyed the review I did, and if I enjoy it, that's all that matters. If anyone else out there enjoys what I do, brilliant.
I'd like to do a shout out to the fans on the Facebook group. As I type this there's over 650 people on there, which isn't that many, and there's even less who probably make the effort to read anything on there and I know for a fact there's way less who go to the lengths of posting comments, so I'd like to praise those handful of regular people who are on there several times a week at least talking about shit films, asking me questions and spreading the love of Shitcase Cinema in general. I salute you. You know who you all are.
I have a really bad film in store for people next week, and as an exclusive for people who can be arsed reading this blog, it is: Revenge Of The Swamp Creature! It's so bad it's hilarious, I enjoyed reviewing it, it's already done and in the can ready for upload, I'm thinking of filming something to put at the end but it depends on what I can think up and if it'll be amusing. For example, for the Face/Off review, myself and Professor Bruce filmed some footage which consisted of myself snorting cocaine (was only flour) and Bruce throwing the DVD of the film across the room in disgust. When it came to editing the footage we'd filmed it didn't flow right nor make much sense. As a result I sadly decided to leave the footage out of the final video, which pissed me off as I'd been throwing flour all over my face! What a waste.
I'd like to take this early opportunity to wish everyone a very merry Christmas and Happy New Year. There will be new reviews between now and the new year but it's best to get this crap out of the way. Zardoz commands it. Do you know something, as a New Years resolution PLEASE send the Shitcase Cinema review of ZARDOZ to at least one person you know and tell them to watch it and watch more Shitcase Cinema stuff. The channel only increases via word of mouth, which I love and I thank everyone so far from the bottom of my heart, it means a lot, but I feel things can only go on and on. I'll buy you all a nice present in the future...or just put the drinks on Professor Bruce's bar tab should we arrange a gathering hahaha!
So my thanks to everyone who takes the time to watch Shitcase Cinema videos, I really do appreciate it and enjoy reading all comments and scary fan obsessed messages on a daily basis. Cheers.
John 3rd December 2011.

Last update for a while...

I can't say this is the last blog for a while because I hardly do them anyway. Hmmm, it's so strange. Any way, here's hoping you're all slow readers and it will take you three months to read this, by which time I will be more or less back home and ready to take on more shitty movies to review. Wow.
So, let's play catch-up on recent reviews. Ooo Killjoy. Shall I go there again? Ah, why not. That film is absolutely shocking but I had a good laugh watching it because it's so bad it has to be seen. Or you could just keep re-watching my review and you know, tell your friends to watch it too. Go on, be a good person.
I finally got around to completing that Cyborg Cop trilogy. Zardoz gave me the strength to manage it and so wearing a bumbag (or fanny pack haha!) I got through all three movies without too much pain. I enjoyed reviewing them, good chuckle.
Done other random stuff like Manos (Jesus Christ!...no, Manos is not Jesus Christ, you must understand), Arachnophobia and Prince of Darkness. See, the weird thing is, some people message me asking me to review "more up to date film" or "good films". Why? OK, so I decided to do Arachnophobia, which is fairly new compared to most stuff I review and a pretty good movie. What happens? Some people moan saying I should stick to crappy older films because my reviews are funnier of those. Thanks very much, guess I can't please everyone but oh well.
Funnily enough when I did Manos a few people said don't review films this old. Man alive, what are you people wanting from me?! I'm glad I'm taking a break now!!
Hope you enjoyed Cliffhanger as a send off. I was struggling before the general Saturday release date for my reviews and I had no idea of what to comment on in the film or whatever else. I pretty much made a few notes to myself and then went with the flow, so something like the comment on Hal being a gay rapist wanting to take the young climbers to his rape dungeon just came out of nowhere. I thought that was hilarious but nobody else seems to think so. The Lego Man ending was done first so I had to then actually review the film itself. As long as I can chuckle that's all I'm bothered about. Thanks to everyone who does watch and leave nice positive remarks - yes, over 3000 of you know, the legend of Shitcase Cinema keeps on spreading! I guess this is a good thing. The world will be set to rights once Shitcase Cinema becomes the #1 show in the world and I become rich and famous. Oh yes, it will happen, oh yes. Maybe. Doubtful. One can dream I guess.
So, that's it from me. Stay out of trouble (maybe just stay in doors and watch shitty films?), eat your greens, spread the word, worship Zardoz and all other Shitcase Legends and I'll be back.
John 26th July 2011.

It's been a while...

I just realised it's over 3 months since I did a blog here for Shitcase Cinema. Or a diary. Or update. Or whatever the hell you want to call it. I don't think many read these blogs (or diary updates!) cos let's face it, there's these amazing videos out there of movie reviews on a Youtube channel called Shitcase Cinema. This is true, go watch a few after you've finished reading this!
Last week I didn't upload a video. The reason? Zardoz wouldn't allow it. He came floating through the sky and told me that because I was so great and did new videos every Saturday to entertain people that I could take a short break. Thanks Zardoz! The fact that I couldn't be bothered had nothing to do with this.
So what shitty films has everyone seen lately? I've seen a fair few since the December update (or blog!) I did, and I've even reviewed a couple of those such as Camp Blood 2, Cyborg Cop and Fortress 2. Camp blood 2 cost me 19p on DVD, which I couldn't believe so I naturally had to buy it for a good old laugh and man, I certainly laughed. You can too if you watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGjFHNAX9hc
Oh and how the hell can I forget Death Wish 3? This movie has to be seen I swear, it's the only movie where you'll see an OAP running around with endless weapons and blowing about 200 guys away. Charles Bronson we saulte you. This review also could do with saluting, it's very entertaining if I do say so myself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZhcekNHy1A
Thanks to the ever-growing list of subscribers who send in lovely messages and film requests. It puzzles me sometimes how people from all over the world love watching the videos that I do for a laugh and tune in every weekend religiously but none of my family or friends watch them unless I ask them to a few hundred times. It's about as weird as re-watching Grim Weekend on DVD despite knowing it's utter crap - yes, I watched it again yesterday for a laugh, I should have just stuck to this 10 minute review instead, I'm sure you'll agree: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-oRVun5R-o
As always as a little thanks for reading stuff on here, I'll give you a small exclusive heads up - the next review will be the sequel to that mundane mess called Cyborg Cop. Sadly there's John Rhys-Davies in there calling everybody lad, but I'm sure you'll get over that fact.
Oh, and I hope you've all been working on your impressions of Warwick from The Graveyard Shift from the last review! All the best!

Don't Open Til Christmas

Greetings. If you look at the title you're probably thinking I'm gonna lecture you into not opening your Christmas presents early but you'd be wrong. I'm gonna lecture you about a God-awful movie with that very name "Don't Open Til Christmas".
In terms of classic Shitcase Cinema bad films I manage to review this is right up there with the best of them - think Sleepaway Camp meets Camp Blood pissed up on too much sherry at a Christmas party. I had a laugh at watching it and doing a review but as always it's left me drained and another little break is needed. Don't worry though, I know some of you will already be crying but fear not, it'll only be a week. I'll have a brand new review ready for you all to see on New Years Day. Yep, tune in on 1st January to cure your hangovers by watching a new Shitcase review. I'm not going to tell you what it is although one person already knows as she's been nagging at me for a long time to do it so there you go, now SHUT UP WOMAN! :P
I have to get serious for a moment - yeah, I am able to do this from time to time but it's a rather alien experience for me. I'd like to thank everyone who has been a fan all of this time and continued to watch my videos. I've said in the past I started making movie reviews as something to simply amuse myself and this fact remains but the fact that so many people seem to like what I do gives me a huge amount of satisfaction. It's nothing new, there are literally thousands of random goons out there making movie reviews but I like to think (without sounding arrogant...well, too arrogant) that my reviews are better than some spotty nerd sitting in front of his webcam boring the entire world to death. Actually, let's face it, I'm fucking great, aren't I? Admit it, it's fine :)
I did a diary update last December and mentioned the subscriber total was at 418. I was thrilled with this that so many people were bothered with what I do. As I write this update, it stands at 1,720. That's a nice increase in 12 months I must admit. People say I deserve more. Some people say I deserve my own TV channel. I agree, these people are obviously very smart. Thanks guys!
Yesterday's review of Oasis of Zombies was a laugh to make but man, it was such a boring film. Seems like a few viewers saw fit to make me look like a twat and correct me about the frogs living in deserts fact and Nazi's in a desert. Cheers. See, Shitcase Cinema gets you educated in some weird way. Brilliant!
So, this wraps up 2010. Thanks a bunch for watching and thanks for reading this because this is what the year has boiled down to - this important diary update from yours truly. Review highlights for me personally would be: Zardoz, Camp Blood, Sleepaway Camp, Broken Arrow and probably Bubba Ho-tep. Go watch them again, it'll pass on sometime before the next new Shitcase video. It makes sense, trust me.
Hope you all have a great Christmas and a happy new year. John. 12th Dec 2010.

Don't go to Sleepaway Camp!

Chances are if you're reading this then you'll have watched my most excellent review of Sleepaway Camp thus having paid a short visit there. It's bad, isn't it! However, it's hilarious for various reasons but I'm not going to talk about those points because you can just watch the review repeatedly and go ‘Oh yeah, how amusing, John really is great at doing this!’ Go on.

One thing I will mention though about Sleepaway Camp is the cop (PIG!) with the fake moustache. What's that all about? I always thought nobody would ever match the wonder that is Bennett’s moustache in Commando but this, this is mental. It looks like black paper stuck on. Maybe we could all make this a new fashion craze if we all stick on fake paper moustaches on our faces? Girls should do this too, as it’ll puzzle people even more. Brilliant.

So, what’s next in the Shitcase pipeline I hear you ask? Well, a truly awful film called With Friends Like These. It was recommended to me by a viewer so I thought ‘what the hell, it can’t be worse than recent films I’ve reviewed’. It sucks. It’s boring. It’s dire. It’s not worth your time. It’s shit. It’s been reviewed, sure, but I hate it and never want to see it again. You can see it this coming weekend if you behave.

I was thinking recently that a lot of what I review are horror movies and I don’t want to be labelled as a horror film reviewer. It just so happens that crap horror films come into the world like pennies from heaven (pennies don’t drop from the sky in reality but I sometimes feel the need to cater to the more brainless people out there).

Worked on an Evil Dead 2 review these past few days – yeah another Goddamn horror movie. I didn’t want to but I’ve had messages for a long time from people saying I should make a review. I will not, however, be taking a look at the other two Evil Dead movies. I know I said this when it came to the Carnosaur movies and probably some other stuff that I’ve forgot about but I mean it this time. Unless a giant floating stone head called Zardoz tells me otherwise.

Thanks as usual to all people who send in messages on Youtube, the Facebook group or just random psychos who recognise me in the street and chase me like those evil businessmen in suits from Halloween 3 (this is a fabrication, please understand).

Got some videos put onto a website that features films and games after the guy who runs it messaged me. I don’t really know what it’ll do but it may get one or two more people to randomly walk around shouting ‘SUSAN!’ in their everyday lives. It’s fun, I’d even call it therapeutic. If you’re mental.