Hey, remember me? No? YOU GOON!

Hello. Johnny Shitcase here. Obviously. I'm the only one who writes these awesome blog updates so who else would you expect? I'm sorry to say this is the first blog update in over a full year but I've not received any demands for a new one so I don't feel too bad. I'll get over it. I hope you will too, in time.

So what can I tell you that's gone on in the past year in the Shitcase Cinema universe? Lots, but I'll just mention a few bits and bobs as I'm too lazy to write a long essay – you have to think on, I've not written an update for over a year so I'm very rusty. I could have asked Professor Bruce.... nah, I shouldn't make silly jokes like that.

Right, well, who watched some of the most recent reviews like Battle Rats, Sharknado and Death Run? I'm sure you all watched them being the loveable hard core fan-base that you are. I haven't seen any of them, like most of my friends and family, but I hear they're pretty darn brilliant. Seriously though (for once) I have to say some of the most recent reviews are some of my favourites in the past 7 years I've reviewed films for Shitcase Cinema. I know that sounds like the obvious thing to say, praising your latest work, but I really believe this.

From the Battle Rats review. The blood stained my face!

When watching such TERRIBLE movies it gives you a lot of ammunition against them but then do I really need the assistance? Some fans claim I am one of the 'funniest fuckers around' so go figure. Death Run is easily one of the worst pieces of garbage I have ever witnessed yet at the same time I laughed my arse off and had great fun with it. Does this mean I like it on some level to provide me with some entertainment value? Of course it does. It's total shite but it's amusing. These are the best kind of bad films, I've been very vocal of this in the past – accidentally bad and funny.

Recently I've been uploading photos and videos which are exclusive to the Facebook page. I don't know how many views they each get – actually that's a lie, as it tells me exactly how many people they've reached yet they only get a handful of likes and even less comments. It's a bit frustrating but then not everybody reads everything they see on Facebook feeds, I'm no different myself. I'll keep on uploading bits and bobs, some of it new material and some of it old that's never been seen before.

February saw Shitcase Cinema turn 7 years old. That is more supreme than an ultimate ninja if you ask me. I love the fact there are still two or three fans still sticking by from those early days and for that I thank you, you know who you are. Many of you have been fans for perhaps 4 or 5 years which is, again, amazing. You may be a new follower, having just found this blog update randomly in the interwebs and wondering just what the hell this is. Who knows (a quote from the Death Run review, just a pointless fact for you). Many fans have disappeared over the years, I don't know the reasons why but whatever. Zardoz has a grand plan in store for Shitcase Cinema, I'm sure of this.

Apparently a fan saw Professor Bruce in the flesh recently but didn't approach him. If any of you happen to see me out and about do stop me to say howdy doody, I won't charge you much for taking up my time. Maybe I'll even give you Bruce's mobile number so you can prank him and wind him up as I never see the old bean these days much so don't get the opportunity to annoy him like I used to do. Speaking of, I have a video of compilation clips of 'Bruce abuse' from over a few years of Shitcase Cinema 'meetings' which I will upload at some point soon on the Facebook page.

Wow, let's shoot back to 6 months ago when it was just after Christmas 2014 and we conducted a drunken live 'Shitcast' video.

Drunk and trying to do a live video chat.

Only a few people tuned in live, which is probably a good thing, but the full video is on Youtube to painfully watch. We did a take before but one thing led to another, it didn't seem to be working out and I walked off in a strop. Several people saw this live and thought it was amusing. I have video footage of this. Anyone want to see it? Didn't think so. So yeah, that was an experience. I think it started off well but the final 10 minutes petered away to drunken nothingness but who cares? It was a fun special video that only the dedicated fans will appreciate. Perhaps. It's there if anyone ever wants to watch it. I like to have as much video footage as possible whether it be for reviews, skits, behind the scenes or random crap. This goes for life outside of Shitcase Cinema too but please don't ask to see any of our old 'films' we've done like (Sh)It because it isn't happening. Maybe I'll upload bits though with new interview sections of us talking about how embarrassed we are now and how brain dead we were back then. Maybe.

The other week I uploaded a Q&A video with many, many questions from fans. Took a long time to edit that beast together. Had fun answering them, hope you enjoyed the answers. Maybe you just thought they were average? Maybe it needed more Bruce? Stop whining, I got a small cameo in there from Caveman Wayne, that took some work I'll have you know! Even a legend like myself struggles to organise a 2 minute video featuring myself, Bruce and Wayne. As for when a full feature length 'Interview with a Caveman 3' will happen, I can't say. If there is a demand for it I'll try harder than I am already doing but if fans aren't bothered than I can't be. I do silly videos like those to amuse people and of course present Wayne to the masses as he amuses me with his comments and views. I can happily keep him away from the camera and just laugh at him myself. Laughing is good for your health you know! Fact.

Oh yo, I know I made a post about this late last year when about 5 people replied, but I've been thinking about getting some new Shitcase Cinema t-shirts printed up and sold myself. The current online store is expensive and despite selling some stuff over the last 4 years on there or whatever it is, I've not seen a single penny. It would be amazing to say I've made a penny from my hobby and sell cheaper t-shirts than the online store, so if there is a significant demand (anywhere in the world, I'll send them wherever there are Shitcase fans) I'll get some printed up, alright? Good.

What am I working on currently aside from this blog update? Next years blog update, you have no idea how much work goes into preparing these beasts! Erm, movie review wise I have no idea. The reviews don't come as easily as they used to. Maybe this is a good thing? I know fans want more videos and I try my best but sometimes when I have the spare time I just want to chill.

Just a note on the Shitcase Facebook group – Group NOT page. Totally different. Long story. Maybe. Any way, I do check the stuff on there still as it always pops up in my news feed...in fact it's like 99% the only thing that pops in there! I don't look after it any more and haven't done for a while, there are a few people on there I trust to look after and respect it. I know a lot of stupid crap gets posted on there all too often like a thousand 'caption this' pictures or stuff that has no relation to films, entertainment or Shitcase Cinema in the slightest. This is the reason I stepped back from it as it was a pain in the arse and became too much to maintain alone. I post all official comments, opinions, photos and videos on the Page (not even 900 likes as of right now, I am pulling a very sad face right now).

So yeah, thanks for reading this now annual update. Maybe in 2016 I'll give you something to get excited about, but I think this is pretty cool bedtime reading, so turn off your computer or whatever and get some sleep. Shitcase Cinema will still be around in the morning and hopefully for a good few years more with your support. Thanks as always. Now go look for SUSAN, worship a giant floating stone head called ZARDOZ, battle some NINJAS while on a DEATH RUN in a KINGDOM OF GLADIATORS, while viewing a lovely SKYLINE all done on a Goddamn GRIM WEEKEND! Until next time... John, 30th June 2015

First update this year, wow!

Happy 2014! Yes, it may be May but this is the first blog entry of 2014 so there you go. The last one you might notice was in June 2013, shortly before I was leaving to go backpacking around New Zealand, and as a result of my travelling it meant Shitcase Cinema has been somewhat dormant. So what can I tell you here on the official blog that you can't find anywhere else? I can tell you one thing – this very exclusive blog is only read by a handful of people so anything I write here really is worth its weight in gold. Let me backtrack firstly, however, just to catch up on Shitcase things that have occurred since the last blog update. The very last review that happened before Shitcase Cinema went into hiatus was Poltergeist 2 and I wanted to somehow give it an ending where Johnny Shitcase could somehow be explained for being absent. I can't quite recall exactly, but I'm sure it went like this – it was a Friday night and Professor Bruce, Maggit Man and my good self had had a few beers and come up with a silly way for Johnny Shitcase to disappear – he apparently was transported 'into the light' by Henry Kane. I love the fact this wasn't even explained at all in the comeback episode, In Hell. I kind of explained it using a butterfly called Susan who returned my character so he could review shitty movies once again. Good stuff, yeah? I remember coming up with that skit while in my hotel room in Las Vegas, I wrote down the idea and lines, and acted it out for the In Hell movie review. It's an amusing skit I think and I also think it kind of puts to bed the whole 'SUSAN!' craze as essentially she is now found, albeit in a random paper butterfly form but she is found and after years since the Grim Weekend review I think I can lay this little joke to rest now.

While I was away on my travels you may or may not have watched the Q&A I did. I filmed this myself while I had some downtime while travelling. The plan was at the time for a review of The Expendables to happen, with Bruce and Maggit Man doing most of the review. I had written out stuff for them to say and talk about and recorded my own audio work. I jokingly said at the time the review probably wouldn't even be uploaded by the time I returned home and sure enough it was never made or uploaded. Bruce did have computer problems for a short while but in all fairness I kind of knew in the back of my mind the review would never happen unless I did it myself, so there you go. I will do a review on The Expendables in the next few months, I promise, but I think I will do it all myself as usual. We'll see. On this note, it brings me to my current frame of mind with Shitcase. A few days ago I uploaded the huge 25 minute retrospective film which took me a long time to put together, it is by far the hardest thing I've had to edit for Shitcase over the last six years. In the film I say that I'm not sure how long Shitcase can carry on for. I must admit to struggling to find enthusiasm to make reviews at the moment. In a way, making the retrospective film is a closing chapter in the history of Shitcase Cinema. It is NOT the end, but I do feel a lack of direction currently and doing all these videos on my own is hard work. I make the videos 100%. I run the Twitter account. I run the Facebook group, although Bruce and Maggit Man are admins on there. I ran the forum but that died off although it is still out there if you want to find it. It's a bit too much and lack of help and / or interest has recently made me feel there's not much in it any more. The Facebook group for example has become largely overrun from what it used to be and frankly I don't read much on there any more. I used to read every single post on there day in day out but it's not what it used to be any more.

On totally different levels of excitement I am thinking about doing another Godfrey Ho ninja movie review called Ninja Avengers but we'll see. I'm not entirely sure what to review next. I would like to make a Shitcase Cinema movie after making a great retrospective documentary film and while on the topic of the retrospective my thanks go out to all the fans who sent in clips for it, whether I used bits, all or nothing at all due to time constraints, I watched everything I got and appreciate it a lot. Shitcase Cinema fans really are the greatest thing since sliced bread....whatever that means. Only Zardoz knows.

3

Speaking of Zardoz I picked up a book on John Boorman – the dickhead who made Zardoz. I only wanted it for the chapter on Zardoz and as soon as I saw a picture of Sean Connery in there dressed in his little red nappy I laughed to myself and wondered just what he would say if you asked him about that film now. So that'll do for now Shitcase followers, go practise your bad ninja dubbing skills and we will meet again. John 12^th May 2014.

Shitcase Cinema hiatus

Yes, folks, from early August Shitcase Cinema will be on a lengthy hiatus for possibly 6 months. Why? Because I'm going to go hunt some ninjas in New Zealand. Yeah, I'm going backpacking so any New Zealand fans out there this could be your chance to meet your hero in the flesh. I'll miss doing the reviews and I'm sure some of you will miss watching them. The Facebook group will still remain a lively place I'm sure so get yourself on there if you're not a member.

The next review will be Nightmare on Elm Street 5. It's such a bad film and I didn't think I'd ever want to go near it for a review but here we go. Got a few fan clips in there, so thanks to those guys for sending them in. Not sure what other reviews will be forthcoming before I go away as my mind is on other things right now.

And just for the sake of being random here is a photo of Maggot Man beating up Professor Bruce because he's a fat lazy professor and I'm sure fans like to see him in pain and what not. I know I do!

Oh, Bruce is working on a new song (a Van Damme one). I wrote the lyrics to poke fun at Bruce. Stay tuned for that, coming soon!

And one final thing, I have to say that Diamond Ninja Force is the most mental film I have ever seen and I think the review I did has instantly become one of my favourites ever. Oh, and if you were wondering why Maggot Man did a solo review it's because Professor Bruce is still wondering what to review months after I asked him for a solo review.

Hope you enjoyed our one and only live web chat video we did the other week. It was short notice so not many people tuned in live to see us but there is an edited 20 minute version on our Facebook group to watch back, so enjoy that.

So keep your eyes turned towards the sky because Zardoz will fly by one day as Shitcase Cinema will return one day. Thanks for the support over the years guys, it's greatly appreciated.
John 12 / 06 / 2013

Bits and bobs...

Greetings fellow wannabe ninjas. Well, I’m a supreme ninja so I’m in a different category to you guys but let’s not nitpick. Now, the plan for this particular blog was that Professor Bruce was going to write it. Ha fucking ha. So here I am. Yet again. In the last blog I wrote and I quote: “I have no idea what he has planned and I’m 99% sure he has no idea right now either until I keep harassing him about it for months on end.” This was with regards to his solo movie review, which like his blog update hasn’t taken one step from the starting line.

But let’s catch up on all good things Shitcase Cinema related, yes? Why the hell not. Sean Connery phoned me up the other day. I was shocked. He called me numerous nasty names before claiming Zardoz was his finest work. Turns out I’d drank too many beers the night before as it was only a dream. Bollocks! I’d love Connery to phone me up and start castrating me verbally, I’d laugh so much. I’d then give him Bruce’s home address so he could zoom on down there and castrate him physically. I would laugh so much at that also.

Maggot Man getting ready to be The Mummy!

So, the last few reviews on Shitcase have been interesting and challenging to make. Let us begin. Let’s start with The Mummy. Now despite Shitcase Cinema being branded officially as a place that looks at 1980’s movies we do look at films outside of this particular decade thanks to Bruce’s time travelling device. Now, people message me sometimes asking why I don’t review more up to date films. Sometimes I do, if only these people would take the time to look through my review. You GOONS! Bloodrayne was 2005. Mega Piranha was 2010.  My Bloody Valentine was 2009. Maybe I’m a moron but these are up-to-date movies, correct? Yes? Thanks very much. Next. So The Mummy (1999) was something I’d wanted to tackle for some time because A) I knew it like the back of my hand as I like it a lot, and B) I thought it would make for a fun review, not only for viewers but for myself to make. Now if you look at the photo to above you’ll see that we filmed a silly skit for the movie review, so we (Bruce, Maggot Man and my humble self) had a fun time for this review. Now some people ask me about the skits. Basically, in 95% of them, I come up with a daft idea, I write it down, I explain what I want, and we film it. I thought it was funny, we did it and Bob’s your uncle as they say. It’s one of my personal favourite skits we’ve done in recent times, I have to say. The movie itself speaks for itself but I believe it made for a fun review and I hope people enjoyed it otherwise I’m wasting my time.

Castle Freak was next. Now this film was donated to me on DVD by a Shitcase fan called Giancarlo. Thanks very much. He deserves a slap for giving me this awfulness but in true Shitcase style I instead call him a supreme ninja, which he is. It was indeed a film that needed someone to pull it apart and it’s odd because since the review went online it instantly got several thumbs down and people saying I was being harsh on it. How dare you?! Sorry, but was I asking for your opinion? If you don’t agree with my rating for the film don’t fucking hate on the video. It does annoy and dent my belief in what I do when this happens but at the end of the day it’s just a bit of fun…I’d still ninja star those goons in the back though. So, a shite film that I gave a shite score to and I had a blast ripping it to pieces. SUSAN!

Next was Starcrash. Now, honestly, I could write nonstop about this travesty but I won’t. In short I was told about this movie by one Mark Overholt aka Mr Camp Blood 2 after I got in contact with him with regards to the five year anniversary. So, I was informed, I watched it, my jaw dropped and I simply had to review. But I would only review it if Mr Camp Blood 2 would appear in a cameo, which thankfully he agreed to and I believe it’s a new Shitcase Cinema classic review. Now the thing a lot of people moan about is “Why don’t you make HD videos?” I could write nonstop about this but I won’t. In short, if I rip a DVD to review it’s not ‘HD’ standard ala Bluray or whatever else, it’s DVD quality. Now, I see nothing wrong with it but people like to bitch about the latest technology which I’ve never cared about in my entire life. Second, the processing of HD videos takes longer than a standard video and takes up a lot more space. So I decided to make this in HD quality to shut people up and do you know something? Only one fucking person noticed it was Goddamn HD quality. It took me twice as long to make and put together and for what? For nothing. Still, it’s a great review and my thanks to Mark for his sense of humour.

Most recently was Spontaneous Combustion which is something I’d wanted to do for a while. I first saw this maybe 7/8 years ago with an ex-girlfriend and we thought it was so lame we used to joke about it all the time. “What do you fancy watching honey? Spontaneous Combustion?”. Again I think it’s one of my better reviews of recent times but I put it back to the normal standard quality. One early comment I saw was “When are you going to go HD?” I’m positive I swore out loud at the screen when I read that remark. The fact that about six people will bother to read this blog makes me wonder why I do anything sometimes, but, c'est la vie (that’s life). Brad Dourif’s cries in that movie make me chuckle at least.

So, other than the reviews during the past five weeks on the Facebook group (remember where lots of exclusive videos and photos go) we’ve had The Shitcase Challenge. I wanted to do something different and get the fans involved somehow, so I thought about a challenge and a voting system. Basically every week (one video a week) Bruce, Maggot Man and myself participate in stupid challenges and the fans vote for who did it the best basically. It’s just us having fun as normal but we filmed it as I thought it would be fun. Going by the amount of votes on every video about 6% of our Facebook group were watching. I think there’s a lot of people on there who have dead accounts or just don’t read or view anything, so I may do a little spring cleaning on there. Still, Johnny Shitcase won overall, which I am pleased about. The five challenges were: beer can pyramid, garlic bread wine vampire drinking, best impressions, Zardoz pose-off and Death Race to the face.

Exclusive: The next few reviews will consist of Tremors (asked for by many people over the years), No Retreat No Surrender and….lots of other crap. I’ve done a new silly Van Damme related song for No Retreat No Surrender which I find amusing, it’s done kind of like a rap but not exactly. I feel I can come across in a more daft approach when done in this style such as the Octopus Rap or Shitcase Rap and be more creative.

I can’t promise the next blog will be by Professor Bruce but maybe if you wish for it then it will happen. Leave him a few messages on the Facebook group or on Youtube videos, he’ll get the idea eventually. Thanks for reading and of course thanks for watching, it’s appreciated. I’m taking a few weeks break currently, which is good as I’ve been fighting the cold this last week so there wouldn’t be a new review this weekend regardless.

Oh, I’m 90% sure now that the monthly Facebook ‘Shitcast’ videos will be retired as they don’t seem to interest anyone, so they’ll go the same the same way as our film audio commentaries sadly. Trying fresh ideas to keep things interesting sometimes doesn’t work. Oh, join the pointless Twitter Shitcase channel too if you want. No pressure. How long does Shitcase Cinema have left in it? Five years and still going strong, so who knows…maybe when I get picked up by a TV channel or get my own radio show or anything really things will end…maybe Godfrey Ho will offer me a role in a new ninja movie?

John 13th April 2013

I'll tear out that serpents tongue of yours!

Greetings to our master (that's me, obviously). Are you worshipping Shitcase Cinema and Zardoz on a daily basis? I hope for your sake the answer is yes. So what’s new since the last blog update? In the last one I mentioned the five year anniversary and the special guest cameo I had lined up. Yes, it was only the king from Kingdom of Gladiators! Were you impressed? See, my connections stretch far beyond anything you can possibly imagine. Next year it’ll be Sean Connery in a red nappy with a pony tail and a moustache. Fact. My profound thanks go out to Bryan Murphy for his involvement, he’s a great guy (I have to say this otherwise he’ll tear out my serpents tongue!).

I’ve recently read quite a few comments on Youtube and Facebook from fans asking where they can get a Shitcase Cinema t-shirt like the one I sometimes wear in videos. You can buy one from our official store here. We’ve had it setup for maybe six months or so now but only sold a handful of things. One lovely lady out there purchased three items last year, so our thanks to her. You are now called SUSAN as far as I’m concerned. What an honour that is.

To keep things interesting, here’s a random photo of Bruce trying to be the king from Kingdom of Gladiators. Complete fail my friend, back to the dungeon for you! HOW DARE YOU!

Staying on the subject of Susan, the last few reviews and upcoming reviews involve female characters called Susan. I’m currently working on a review of a film called ‘Mirror Mirror’ from 1990, which has a mental case in there with the lovely name of Susan and of course the recent Blue Jean Cop review had a sexy Susan in there. Any Shitcase Cinema fan worth their salt will know the whole “SUSAN!” nonsense, but if you’re clueless than please check out the review of Grim Weekend. I’d love to meet the guy. Funnily enough I tried tracking him down to get involved in the five year anniversary special earlier this month, but to no avail.

If you saw the Jaws 3 video last week you’ll have seen Professor Bruce moaning about not getting a say in what we review so I responded and I quote “If I let you do your own solo review but I say you’ve got to do three gnarly things”. He said sure, he did them (including getting wine thrown onto his crotch by Maggit Man!), and so now he has a solo review forthcoming. Are you excited? His last solo review was that Star Wars special. I have no idea what he has planned and I’m 99% sure he has no idea right now either until I keep harassing him about it for months on end. Stay tuned.

As a little exclusive for reading this far I’ll let you in on a secret. The next few reviews will be, in no particular order: The Mummy, Mirror Mirror, Castle Freak (thanks go to Giancarlo for sending me this DVD!), and whatever Bruce has lined up. If you get bored of waiting for new reviews you can always watch back old stuff we’ve done, I mean we’ve been around for over five years now so chances are there’s stuff out there you’ve missed. May I take a moment to recommend three of my personal old school choices? Yes? Cheers, you are most kind, I hereby announce you a supreme ninja who wears Blue Jeans, sports a sexy tash, eats octopus (or is it octopi?) and you have my permission to buy drugs from a clown in an ice cream truck called Killjoy.

So here they are, enjoy: Maximum Overdrive, Horror Express, Defenders of the Earth.

On a last note I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Mike Abbott. Who? He’s the ultimate ninja. Come on folks, get with the program. Man alive. I’ve spoke with Mike on the phone a few times but only recorded our last one for a Shitcase special. Sadly when it came to putting it together I discovered the audio quality was all over the shop. I was very pissed off but I did the best I could with what I had. The line wasn’t clear to start with, as it was a long distance call as Mike lives in Hong Kong but damn, I was annoyed hearing it back, hence why I typed out all of Mike’s speech for the video on Youtube. If you’ve not seen it please check it out, you have no idea how much time and effort went into this. Not only doing the video but also getting Mike to agree to a chat and have it broadcast for people (you lucky ones) to hear. He’s an ultimate ninja, so if you don’t check it out then he’ll ninja star you or something mental. Ninjas can do that. So I hear.

Well, I guess this brings us up to speed. We did a new Shitcast the other week. These videos are an exclusive for the Facebook members so if you’re not a member on there then join up as I usually post stuff on there which is only going to appear on there (unless fans decide to somehow put the stuff onto Youtube or wherever, which I wouldn’t object to). As always, thanks to everyone for their ongoing support, kind words and I hope we can continue to entertain, amuse or baffle you for some time to come.

All the best, John, 24^th Feb, 2013

Happy New Year Shitcase fans

Yo, so it's now officially 2013. Wow. Next pointless fact.

So it's only one month to go until Shitcase Cinema turns five years old. Fact. What can you expect as a celebration? Well, I'm hoping some mega rich Hollywood movie star will stumble across on Shitcase Cinema and decide to contact me and film a cameo. Failing this idea I have lined up a special guest to appear in a cameo role and the best thing is that he is a full-on Shitcase legend. I'm very excited and you should be too. The five year anniversary videos (yes, two!) will consist of the normal Shitcase awards for the past 12 months, lots of bloopers/outtakes, a compilation of nut punching (ouch), compilation of abuse on Bruce (haha), other randomness and a full on Q&A with Prof Bruce and Johnny Shitcase. Cool dude!

I hope you enjoyed the Conan review we did just before Christmas. Took bloody ages to film everything and edit it all together; had a lot of camera issues and do you remember that wonderful skit of Professor Bruce half naked running around looking for the Wacky Scientist? Well, that had to be recorded a total of three times on three different occasions, much to the annoyance of Bruce. Don't get me wrong, I take no joy in seeing Bruce's beer belly on display but I knew that even if nobody was amused by the footage then at least I'd laugh at it. I love coming up with daft skits and telling Bruce to do this and that.

2012 was a wonderful year in terms of the videos we put out. I personally think the year produced some of the best Shitcase material ever and this covers stuff that is not just the movie reviews but our film audio commentaries on Soundcloud and our monthly 'Shitcast' videos on Facebook. If I had to pick my five favourite Shitcase moments of 2012 then these little beauties would be there:

1. Kingdom of Gladiators review
2. Predator audio commentary on Soundcloud
3. Conan the Destroyer review
4. Nightmare on Elm Street 2 review
5. Octopus rap

And here is a random photo I took of Prof Bruce recently while we stock on energy drinks to battle through some shitty movies for a night in. I just happened to carry in my pocket a toy figure with a tash. Normal.

So what can you expect for 2013? I'm not even sure right now as to what the next review will be. No idea whatsoever. I've decided to do no more film audio commentaries because despite the fact that Bruce, Maggit Man and myself had a laugh recording the few we did under the influence there didn't seem to be any real interest at all so the last one is officially the Predator one - which incidentally I think is the funniest one we recorded and is still available to download but don't expect to hear much about the film itself over the one hour forty minutes it lasts.

Hmm, what else? Maggit Man started writing out a feature length movie script which was funny but it would be impossible to film on any level and would cost a record amount of money. I have recently put forward the idea of us scaling ideas down, making it more grounded and seeing if we can get something filmed this year as a feature length special. Don't hold your breath. I also aim to get Professor Bruce to do more reviews himself. It's hard work churning out reviews all the time and keeping them as fresh as you can. How long can I carry on? Who knows. Zardoz knows but I've not seen him for a while. Probably need to drink more booze and get my ninja training up to a supreme ninja.

So I'll wrap this up here, wish you all the best for 2013, thank you for your support over the last five years (if you've been around since the start and I doubt anyone who was is still watching now!) and be a good ninja.

All the best,
John 1st January 2013

The end of Shitcase Cinema...

It is with much regret and sadness that I announce the end of Shitcase Cinema. Thanks to all the millions of fans for making me super rich from my videos and making me world famous. It's been fun.

Actually, scratch that. Shitcase Cinema is now officially back after mere seconds. Oh, and for the record I haven't become super rich nor am I famous. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before Shitcase Cinema becomes an established name and people will be having Shitcase Cinema themed parties dressing up as Johnny Shitcase or Professor Bruce (make sure you start eating all the pies early for an authentic look!). Funnily enough I mentioned in the review for My Bloody Valentine last week that people should make Professor Bruce masks for Halloween. Go on, do it, I'm sure one person out there will try it. Actually, this gives me an idea for a future video.

So what is new in the land of Shitcase Cinema? The last blog update was in August so 3 months seemed like a good time for a new update. Before the My Bloody Valentine review I took a month long break doing reviews as basically I was struggling for things to say to keep it fresh and entertaining for people to watch and also keep it fun for myself. During that month I still made the review for MBV (which took ages), recorded a new film audio commentary with Prof Bruce and Maggit for The Lost Boys (should be available to download and listen to soon), a second 'Shitcast' video once again with the two testicles known as Prof Bruce and Maggit. Oh, and a week in Las Vegas to attend the first ever Shitcase Cinema convention! Yes, we flew out there ready to be greeted by screaming fans at the airport but alas nobody turned up. So I just annoyed Bruce for a week for my own amusement! Result! In fact, I'm sure Prof Bruce would love for me to tell you a few little stories involving him so the entire world can laugh. OK, let's do it. See the photo of him? All those science qualifications and intelligence can't save Bruce from getting his fat finger stuck in a water flask. Bruce was panicking. I laughed. The best story ever though has to be from a night out. We were all pretty damn drunk, Maggit had left us to chase some woman, I'd got chatting to a nice woman myself at a bar and we all went our drunken separate ways. Bruce's night turned into a trip to McDonald's for food. From what I remember of his tale (I was laughing too much to hear his tale every time he told it) he drunkenly ordered his food, dropped his food all over the floor outside and stood there staring at it for 5 minutes wondering if the 5 second rule of picking something up off of the floor applied in America. In the end he walked back to the hotel with no food. I would give anything to have video footage of this.

Going back to the Shitcast videos briefly, these appear only on the Facebook group as an exclusive (unless some clever fan somehow rips it and puts it on Youtube or whatever). They're fun to make as we simply sit, drink booze and be ourselves chatting about new movies coming out. We've made two so far and the aim is to make one a month, just as something a bit different for fans to watch if they care to.

Who liked the review for Nightmare On Elm Street 2? I got a few fans to send in clips for that video which is always fun to do. Man, reviewing that film was hard work even though there's so much to take the piss out of. I enjoyed the little skit which involved us running like Freddy. If you look at the clock on the wall you'll see how late it was when we filmed that. I have some footage of outtakes and bloopers from filming that skit as we'd been drinking all night and I was slurring my words. Still, it's all part of being a supreme ninja.
Robocop 3 is the latest review as I type this, which I uploaded yesterday. I'm not kidding, I had so much trouble putting that video together. Ripping the DVD and changing file formats took hours and hours. The real bitch was getting my camcorder footage onto the laptop. It just wouldn't acknowledge the connection. I tried and tried and tried, getting more pissed off as time went on. Finally sometime Friday evening it decided to work, so all Friday night and some of Saturday evening was spent editing the entire video. I felt like taking another month break!

So thanks for reading, you instantly become a supreme Zardoz follower with ultimate ninja powers. If you pass by the new forum or the Facebook group leave Prof Bruce messages poking fun at him about his McDonald's. Maybe I should make up t-shirts poking fun at him and sell them on the Shitcase online store, it'd be a Christmas best seller! Spread the Shitcase word people and I'll buy you all a drink one day!
John 4th November 2012

Future plans for Shitcase Cinema

Yo, what's up? Are you shell shocked I've followed up the previous blog update so quickly? I really do rock. Good.
So we've launched our own official online store, Zardoz approved it so we went through with it after much discussion. So far I think we've sold exactly two t-shirts to date, so thanks guys (or girls). If we keep this up at the commission rate we get we'll get super rich super quick! Whatever.
I've been working on a new silly rap for a new review. The first one I did for El Chupacabra went down really well and I'm really proud of it and I had a lot of fun making it. I feel that when I do things in the 'pirate' voice I can enter a totally different mind frame and be totally mental. Honestly, just speaking in that voice really does open up a new creative section in my warped mind. I guess being in 'character' allows you to be anything you want. This new rap will appear in a future review of a film called 'Octopus'. I'm going to stick my neck out and say it's better than the 'Shitcase Rap' which appeared in El Chupacabra. I should become a full time rapper, but I don't really like rap so go figure. It's just more fun to do songs this way and allows me to be supid. Sure, I've done short songs in People Under The Stairs or Arachnophobia for example, but that's simply me singing normally with my guitar. Anyway.
So Professor Bruce is working on a solo review. Yeah it's like his 4th review in the past 4 years, Jesus Christ, hold on tight folks! He's so productive. I keep trying to find ways to bring him into film reviews but it's tough cos he's got no real knowledge of films apart from Star Wars and stuff like that. Myself and 'Maggot Man' try to educate him. And beat him up. And hit him in the balls. It's all fun.
Did I mention in the last blog about our 'The Thing' audio commentary we recorded? Perhaps, I don't know. Any way, check it, and look at the photo of us sitting around half drunk acting like goons. Nice.
So as an exclusive for people who bother to read this blog, the next few film reviews will be 'Dead, Undead' which is a bullshit film but the review is great (obviously), Prof Bruce's review (some Star Wars related thing, obviously), and Octopus featuring the new rap song. I'm very tempted to make new daft raps for Halloween and Christmas. We'll see. I'm feeling very productive currently and have a whole heap of ideas ready to go. I really deserve my own TV show on some hip channel so I can step things up 100x. Yo, go email TV channels now and tell them about Shitcase Cinema! Good idea.
Bye for now, John 5th August 2012

First update of 2012, wow!

Yeah I know I've been very lazy when it comes to this blogging update business but I've not heard anyone complain so therefore it means nobody reads these so I'm off the hook. Good.
Plenty of stuff to catch up on since my last update in December such as the fact that Shitcase Cinema passed 5,000 Youtube subscribers recently. Doesn't sound like all that much when you think about it but I'm pleased that this amount of people take interest. Strange how videos never get more than 2/3,000 views initially but whatever. It's still amazing.
So what can I talk about? I know, did you know that Zardoz is almighty and needs worshiping? I'm sure you do. Well, how about I tell you about the issue we had with Youtube/Fox with our Zardoz movie review. Oh yeah, what a load of bollocks that was! It had been on Youtube for about 2 years and suddenly it was taken down and put our account in bad stead. You wankers! Naturally I was not impressed, it's not like I'd just uploaded the entire film illegally or something mental, it was a daft tongue in cheek movie review and if anything I've helped spread the word of the movie and helped it make some money as I know people have gone out and bought the DVD after seeing my review. So fuck you Fox! In fact I think those arseholes should write to me with an apology and send me some money for my efforts in spreading the love of seeing Sean Connery in red nappy's running around with his sexy tash and pony tail - gives me an idea to embarrass Professor Bruce, haha!
You may have seen the music video we did in response to this fiasco, which we named 'The Copyright Song' in which we sang about Zardoz and had a dig at Fox in our own silly mental way. We were proud of what we did. In the end Youtube and Fox caved in to the almighty power that is Shitcase Cinema and the video was reinstated. Justice was done.
What else can I catch up on? Erm, well, the Shitcase laptop died a few months ago after a few years of solid service. I was gutted and devastated but thank God I was able to save all the data - cost over £100 to get the data saved, good old PC World. I have to give out a huge shout to one Shitcase fan named Kevin, who took it upon himself to organize a fundraiser. I was absolutely humbled and amazed by this and in the end £65 was raised which really took my breath away. It really makes me understand that what I do means something to people and they appreciate what I do. Brilliant.
Did you see our 'Bennett Song'? It was our tribute to our favourite bad guy from Commando. It was literally 3 years in the making, which sounds ridiculous but from the point at which we started the idea to when it was finished it was literally 3 years. I nagged at Bruce for all those years to get it finished and despite periods when it seemed like it would never make it, we got there. I'm very proud of it, it's us having a laugh and whether people liked the final song and silly video we filmed, we're pleased with the outcome. Fact.
A few months ago we recorded an audio commentary for Commando. Along with Prof Bruce and myself was 'Maggot Man'. It was a first time thing and if you've heard the file (which is available to download from our official Soundcloud site for free) you may catch on that we were new to the idea of talking for 85 minutes straight about a film. I've listened to it back myself and I think we did a decent job overall, it's amusing at times, insightful and interesting to listen to three goons half drunk.
I'll quickly mention our Expendables spoof episodes we've done. Erm, not many people watched them and the feedback wasn't very positive overall. The thing is, this has nothing to do with Shitcase Cinema, it just so happens I uploaded our two episodes on the Shitcase account. We know it's poorly acted, badly filmed and looks like it's been filmed after a few beers. This is because this was the case. I wrote a few pages out of a silly idea for myself and my friends to film when we had some spare time together and we had a laugh making it. We did it for our own amusement more than anything. The bizarre thing is a few people actually posted really negative comments on the videos which I had to delete and they felt the need to unsubscribe from our channel. You sad pathetic losers. Seriously.
Before I wrap this blog up and neglect it again for several months I'll briefly mention we are opening an official store where you can buy t-shirts and mugs and all that jazz. We sent out one t-shirt to one lucky winner from the Commando audio commentary (yes, there was a chance to win a free t-shirt, bet you wish you'd listened to it now, don't you!). As I type this I believe the lazy Prof Bruce is just fine touching the online store so if you feel like buying a t-shirt or something then please do - it'll help spread the word of Shitcase Cinema!
So I'll leave this here so I can go find SUSAN! She's still lost and I'm still looking for her. Thanks to everyone who watches and I'd just like to give a huge shout out to the Facebook group who are an amazing bunch of people and there's a lot of great movie related discussion on a daily basis. If you're not a member please join us to chat to like minded people, it's becoming a wonderful little community!
Cheers, all the best. John 8th July 2012

Anyone read these?

This is my first update on here since I've returned from my personal travels to the USA. I don't think anyone reads these any way, but I think it's good to put certain things down for future reference - like when I wake up tomorrow completely sober I'll be like "when the hell did I write this?!?!". Keeps things interesting. So since my return I've done a few reviews and to my delight the subcriber number on Youtube is well over 4,200 now! Amazing. Should be more though, oh yes, so get telling your friends about Shitcase Cinema, Goddamnit! If I become famous I'll buy the first 4,200 people a nice present in the future.
A couple of weeks back I reviewed 1997's action flick Face/Off. Now when I was working on it I was thinking what I was doing was pretty good and I was really pleased with the overall review come the end. Going by a few comments once I'd uploaded it, people were moaning at me for slagging it off. I really wish people would realise what I do/say isn't 100% truth, it's mostly sarcastic and tongue in cheek, although I guess because I'm like this most of the time in real life (out of the Shitcase version of myself) people sometimes take things the wrong way. Shit happens. I enjoyed the review I did, and if I enjoy it, that's all that matters. If anyone else out there enjoys what I do, brilliant.
I'd like to do a shout out to the fans on the Facebook group. As I type this there's over 650 people on there, which isn't that many, and there's even less who probably make the effort to read anything on there and I know for a fact there's way less who go to the lengths of posting comments, so I'd like to praise those handful of regular people who are on there several times a week at least talking about shit films, asking me questions and spreading the love of Shitcase Cinema in general. I salute you. You know who you all are.
I have a really bad film in store for people next week, and as an exclusive for people who can be arsed reading this blog, it is: Revenge Of The Swamp Creature! It's so bad it's hilarious, I enjoyed reviewing it, it's already done and in the can ready for upload, I'm thinking of filming something to put at the end but it depends on what I can think up and if it'll be amusing. For example, for the Face/Off review, myself and Professor Bruce filmed some footage which consisted of myself snorting cocaine (was only flour) and Bruce throwing the DVD of the film across the room in disgust. When it came to editing the footage we'd filmed it didn't flow right nor make much sense. As a result I sadly decided to leave the footage out of the final video, which pissed me off as I'd been throwing flour all over my face! What a waste.
I'd like to take this early opportunity to wish everyone a very merry Christmas and Happy New Year. There will be new reviews between now and the new year but it's best to get this crap out of the way. Zardoz commands it. Do you know something, as a New Years resolution PLEASE send the Shitcase Cinema review of ZARDOZ to at least one person you know and tell them to watch it and watch more Shitcase Cinema stuff. The channel only increases via word of mouth, which I love and I thank everyone so far from the bottom of my heart, it means a lot, but I feel things can only go on and on. I'll buy you all a nice present in the future...or just put the drinks on Professor Bruce's bar tab should we arrange a gathering hahaha!
So my thanks to everyone who takes the time to watch Shitcase Cinema videos, I really do appreciate it and enjoy reading all comments and scary fan obsessed messages on a daily basis. Cheers.
John 3rd December 2011.

Last update for a while...

I can't say this is the last blog for a while because I hardly do them anyway. Hmmm, it's so strange. Any way, here's hoping you're all slow readers and it will take you three months to read this, by which time I will be more or less back home and ready to take on more shitty movies to review. Wow.
So, let's play catch-up on recent reviews. Ooo Killjoy. Shall I go there again? Ah, why not. That film is absolutely shocking but I had a good laugh watching it because it's so bad it has to be seen. Or you could just keep re-watching my review and you know, tell your friends to watch it too. Go on, be a good person.
I finally got around to completing that Cyborg Cop trilogy. Zardoz gave me the strength to manage it and so wearing a bumbag (or fanny pack haha!) I got through all three movies without too much pain. I enjoyed reviewing them, good chuckle.
Done other random stuff like Manos (Jesus Christ!...no, Manos is not Jesus Christ, you must understand), Arachnophobia and Prince of Darkness. See, the weird thing is, some people message me asking me to review "more up to date film" or "good films". Why? OK, so I decided to do Arachnophobia, which is fairly new compared to most stuff I review and a pretty good movie. What happens? Some people moan saying I should stick to crappy older films because my reviews are funnier of those. Thanks very much, guess I can't please everyone but oh well.
Funnily enough when I did Manos a few people said don't review films this old. Man alive, what are you people wanting from me?! I'm glad I'm taking a break now!!
Hope you enjoyed Cliffhanger as a send off. I was struggling before the general Saturday release date for my reviews and I had no idea of what to comment on in the film or whatever else. I pretty much made a few notes to myself and then went with the flow, so something like the comment on Hal being a gay rapist wanting to take the young climbers to his rape dungeon just came out of nowhere. I thought that was hilarious but nobody else seems to think so. The Lego Man ending was done first so I had to then actually review the film itself. As long as I can chuckle that's all I'm bothered about. Thanks to everyone who does watch and leave nice positive remarks - yes, over 3000 of you know, the legend of Shitcase Cinema keeps on spreading! I guess this is a good thing. The world will be set to rights once Shitcase Cinema becomes the #1 show in the world and I become rich and famous. Oh yes, it will happen, oh yes. Maybe. Doubtful. One can dream I guess.
So, that's it from me. Stay out of trouble (maybe just stay in doors and watch shitty films?), eat your greens, spread the word, worship Zardoz and all other Shitcase Legends and I'll be back.
John 26th July 2011.

It's been a while...

I just realised it's over 3 months since I did a blog here for Shitcase Cinema. Or a diary. Or update. Or whatever the hell you want to call it. I don't think many read these blogs (or diary updates!) cos let's face it, there's these amazing videos out there of movie reviews on a Youtube channel called Shitcase Cinema. This is true, go watch a few after you've finished reading this!
Last week I didn't upload a video. The reason? Zardoz wouldn't allow it. He came floating through the sky and told me that because I was so great and did new videos every Saturday to entertain people that I could take a short break. Thanks Zardoz! The fact that I couldn't be bothered had nothing to do with this.
So what shitty films has everyone seen lately? I've seen a fair few since the December update (or blog!) I did, and I've even reviewed a couple of those such as Camp Blood 2, Cyborg Cop and Fortress 2. Camp blood 2 cost me 19p on DVD, which I couldn't believe so I naturally had to buy it for a good old laugh and man, I certainly laughed. You can too if you watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGjFHNAX9hc
Oh and how the hell can I forget Death Wish 3? This movie has to be seen I swear, it's the only movie where you'll see an OAP running around with endless weapons and blowing about 200 guys away. Charles Bronson we saulte you. This review also could do with saluting, it's very entertaining if I do say so myself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZhcekNHy1A
Thanks to the ever-growing list of subscribers who send in lovely messages and film requests. It puzzles me sometimes how people from all over the world love watching the videos that I do for a laugh and tune in every weekend religiously but none of my family or friends watch them unless I ask them to a few hundred times. It's about as weird as re-watching Grim Weekend on DVD despite knowing it's utter crap - yes, I watched it again yesterday for a laugh, I should have just stuck to this 10 minute review instead, I'm sure you'll agree: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-oRVun5R-o
As always as a little thanks for reading stuff on here, I'll give you a small exclusive heads up - the next review will be the sequel to that mundane mess called Cyborg Cop. Sadly there's John Rhys-Davies in there calling everybody lad, but I'm sure you'll get over that fact.
Oh, and I hope you've all been working on your impressions of Warwick from The Graveyard Shift from the last review! All the best!

Don't Open Til Christmas

Greetings. If you look at the title you're probably thinking I'm gonna lecture you into not opening your Christmas presents early but you'd be wrong. I'm gonna lecture you about a God-awful movie with that very name "Don't Open Til Christmas".
In terms of classic Shitcase Cinema bad films I manage to review this is right up there with the best of them - think Sleepaway Camp meets Camp Blood pissed up on too much sherry at a Christmas party. I had a laugh at watching it and doing a review but as always it's left me drained and another little break is needed. Don't worry though, I know some of you will already be crying but fear not, it'll only be a week. I'll have a brand new review ready for you all to see on New Years Day. Yep, tune in on 1st January to cure your hangovers by watching a new Shitcase review. I'm not going to tell you what it is although one person already knows as she's been nagging at me for a long time to do it so there you go, now SHUT UP WOMAN! :P
I have to get serious for a moment - yeah, I am able to do this from time to time but it's a rather alien experience for me. I'd like to thank everyone who has been a fan all of this time and continued to watch my videos. I've said in the past I started making movie reviews as something to simply amuse myself and this fact remains but the fact that so many people seem to like what I do gives me a huge amount of satisfaction. It's nothing new, there are literally thousands of random goons out there making movie reviews but I like to think (without sounding arrogant...well, too arrogant) that my reviews are better than some spotty nerd sitting in front of his webcam boring the entire world to death. Actually, let's face it, I'm fucking great, aren't I? Admit it, it's fine :)
I did a diary update last December and mentioned the subscriber total was at 418. I was thrilled with this that so many people were bothered with what I do. As I write this update, it stands at 1,720. That's a nice increase in 12 months I must admit. People say I deserve more. Some people say I deserve my own TV channel. I agree, these people are obviously very smart. Thanks guys!
Yesterday's review of Oasis of Zombies was a laugh to make but man, it was such a boring film. Seems like a few viewers saw fit to make me look like a twat and correct me about the frogs living in deserts fact and Nazi's in a desert. Cheers. See, Shitcase Cinema gets you educated in some weird way. Brilliant!
So, this wraps up 2010. Thanks a bunch for watching and thanks for reading this because this is what the year has boiled down to - this important diary update from yours truly. Review highlights for me personally would be: Zardoz, Camp Blood, Sleepaway Camp, Broken Arrow and probably Bubba Ho-tep. Go watch them again, it'll pass on sometime before the next new Shitcase video. It makes sense, trust me.
Hope you all have a great Christmas and a happy new year. John. 12th Dec 2010.

Don't go to Sleepaway Camp!

Chances are if you're reading this then you'll have watched my most excellent review of Sleepaway Camp thus having paid a short visit there. It's bad, isn't it! However, it's hilarious for various reasons but I'm not going to talk about those points because you can just watch the review repeatedly and go ‘Oh yeah, how amusing, John really is great at doing this!’ Go on.

One thing I will mention though about Sleepaway Camp is the cop (PIG!) with the fake moustache. What's that all about? I always thought nobody would ever match the wonder that is Bennett’s moustache in Commando but this, this is mental. It looks like black paper stuck on. Maybe we could all make this a new fashion craze if we all stick on fake paper moustaches on our faces? Girls should do this too, as it’ll puzzle people even more. Brilliant.

So, what’s next in the Shitcase pipeline I hear you ask? Well, a truly awful film called With Friends Like These. It was recommended to me by a viewer so I thought ‘what the hell, it can’t be worse than recent films I’ve reviewed’. It sucks. It’s boring. It’s dire. It’s not worth your time. It’s shit. It’s been reviewed, sure, but I hate it and never want to see it again. You can see it this coming weekend if you behave.

I was thinking recently that a lot of what I review are horror movies and I don’t want to be labelled as a horror film reviewer. It just so happens that crap horror films come into the world like pennies from heaven (pennies don’t drop from the sky in reality but I sometimes feel the need to cater to the more brainless people out there).

Worked on an Evil Dead 2 review these past few days – yeah another Goddamn horror movie. I didn’t want to but I’ve had messages for a long time from people saying I should make a review. I will not, however, be taking a look at the other two Evil Dead movies. I know I said this when it came to the Carnosaur movies and probably some other stuff that I’ve forgot about but I mean it this time. Unless a giant floating stone head called Zardoz tells me otherwise.

Thanks as usual to all people who send in messages on Youtube, the Facebook group or just random psychos who recognise me in the street and chase me like those evil businessmen in suits from Halloween 3 (this is a fabrication, please understand).

Got some videos put onto a website that features films and games after the guy who runs it messaged me. I don’t really know what it’ll do but it may get one or two more people to randomly walk around shouting ‘SUSAN!’ in their everyday lives. It’s fun, I’d even call it therapeutic. If you’re mental.

August Shitcase update

Hello. I've been meaning to do an update for a few weeks but when there's crappy films in my way it's hard to get distracted, you know how it is. Perhaps.
So there's not much really to update you on with regards to Shitcase Cinema. Since the last update I've done a few reviews on epic tales such as Deep Blue Sea, Grim Weekend, Dead Man's Hand and other crap. Hope a few people out there watched them and enjoyed them. Anyone? Not many people seem to read these updates here but that's OK. For you few who do it's kind of like a special secret fan section, isn't it? Well, maybe not, but just pretend it is. Added value.
Much say a huge thank you to fans and subscribers who have said some very lovely and humbling things about my style of reviewing films. I appreciate it so much. And yes, I whole heartedly agree with a few of you, I SHOULD be famous and have my own TV show haha!
There's a few films I would love to do but like I say to people who message me, I have a hard time getting my hands on a lot of movies. I might ask Professor Bruce to go in his time machine and go grab me a bunch of DVDs from recent years and also the future. Not heard from him fora while since I started publicly putting him down in several recent reviews. Very strange boy.
Today's review was Octopus 2. I've had it on DVD for years. It came free with my DVD player in about 2002. I always thought it was boring more than anything, so I decided a few weeks ago to watch it again for a review. Jesus, I laughed so much. It's so bad it should be more well known. Perhaps with the review I put up today it will catch on with people who love shit films. The CGI jumping out of the statue of Liberty scene had me in stitches it is so hilariously bad.
What's forthcoming then? Well, Bubba Ho-Tep is next as I finished making that review a few days ago. I like the film and the review is quite amusing too. When I first starting doing Shitcase reviews I didn't make them as amusing as they are now, it was about 80% of me moaning and saying things were shit, but as time has gone on I changed the style and let me sarcastic nature come in and I'd say now it's only about 30% me slagging off films no matter how bad. I can easily make reviews on films I love, yet do it in a style that according to quite a few people is quite unique and amusing. See Big Trouble in Little China for an example.
A lot of people said they loved the Broken Arrow Shitcase theme, and I personally love it myself, so thanks for DJ Not-I for the help with that. Some people wanted it to stay as the main theme but it just wouldn't work. It's the Broken Arrow them for God's sake, will you settle down? "We're looking for her! SUSAN!"
Ah yes, that great line from Grim Weekend. What more can I say other than "SUSAN!"? I do this on a regular basis. I may set it as my ring tone on my mobile phone as I currently have "OH MY GOD!" as my message alert. And no, I'm not giving out my number before you ask. You can have Bruce's though if you like? He doesn't have a phone if you were wondering, being a homeless hobo is a hard life. Poor bloke.
A number of people keep trying to add me as a "friend" on Facebook. I have to say, this is weird. Some people add anyone whereas I've never understood this. I only add people I know in person. Sorry about that, it's nothing personal but you must understand.
I mentioned something a bit back about making a one-off video for Facebook but I'm not sure about that anymore mainly because A) I can't think of anything B) It'd be bloody stupid to do it when I can put it on Youtube for more people to view C) I can't be bothered and D) A-C are good reasons so I don't need a D. Hmmmm.
Chow for now, thanks to everyone who watches, leaves messages and spreads the word. Tell your family, friends and random people about Shitcase Cinema. I might buy you a drink in the future for it. ZARDOZ!

Camp Blood!

Greetings! Hope everyone is enjoying the summer. When summer arrives it means getting out and enjoying the sun, perhaps go camping or something. I went camping a fortnight ago for a few days and had a really good time but couldn't help but keep thinking of that comedy classic Camp Blood. Now I've just uploaded the review of this gem to Youtube so if anyone is reading this update I'm pretty sure you'll have cast your eyes over the review. Did it make you want to go out and pitch a tent? I personally wanted to kill my brain cells with more beer but I have to say, I had fun reviewing it and pulling it to pieces because it's so bad. Just remember though people, if you go camping, you don't want to go to camp blood!
Shot past 1,000 subscribers last week which is amazing, so thank you to everyone who watches the videos. I even want to take the time to mention the dozen or so "hard core" fans who message me every few days telling me I rule and that I should review this and that. Bless their little cotton socks.
On the topic of asking for films to be reviewed, I'm happy to pretty much take a stab at anything but with some stuff I've just never heard of it and when looking into it to do research on it I just can't get my hands on the Goddamn things. I've recently kept taking a trip to pound shops to see what crap they sell on DVD but other than Camp Blood, Demonic Toys and Demons 2 they have nothing at all worth wasting a pound coin on. Saying this, my latest purchase has to be the most terrible film in existence. Yes, it's that bad, trust me. I've actually completed a review it in the past few days so that'll be uploaded for you all to see in about two weeks time. Oh, and if you have read this far and are curious as to what this dull suicide inducing movie is called then here you are: Grim Weekend.
Remember Professor Bruce? You know, that guy who pops up every now and then looking like a hobo and thinks he's a professor? No? Well, that doesn't matter too much but regardless of this fact, he'll be returning to a few Shitcase Cinema reviews in the very near future. I filmed a few little scenes with him last week and they'll be used in a couple of different videos just to make it look like he actually makes an effort to show his face! He's not lazy, he just can't be fucking bothered! Is that classed as lazy? Yeah, I believe so. So for my own amusement, as is always the case with every review I make, I've had little digs at Professor Bruce, which I'm sure he really loves deep down.
As as a little bonus treat for you handful of brave souls who have read this far, I'll let you know what the next review is going to be. You ready? Do a fake drum roll, please. Oh the tension is building!! Broken Arrow. What, you're disappointed? Piss off! It also includes an exclusive diary that I kept on Professor Bruce just for a chuckle. Added value and all that. I really do rule, don't I? I think fans of Shitcase Cinema must be the most intelligent and astute people in the world.
So, I think this is enough for now. I'm going to go set up my tent now and look to the sky for a giant floating stone head called Zardoz. Don't go to camp blood! Cheers! John.

I'm back...no, wait. June.

It's not like I even left for long from reviewing films as there was only a break of a single week without a video uploaded. I don't think anyone will have noticed either way. The subscribers total has creeped up to 901 as of today, which is amazing. Seriously, I'm not being sarcastic there! It's wonderful that people all over the world watch them because my family and friends lack the decency to support and watch them (except my brother and one single friend) so it's great that someone from, say a small island in the middle of nowhere, will watch my videos and leave nice comments. Cheers!
Plan 9 From Outer Space is the latest film to be reviewed by my humble self and I had a blast making it. It is regarded as a joke of a movie, and it's obvious to see why so I hope people enjoy the review I did. Anyone with half a brain will pick up on all the points I did.
Last week I bought a crappy DVD from a quid shop for a laugh. I certainly got a laugh out of it because it's fucking awful in both the best and worse sense. It is literally something a small group of friends have made together with a free weekend using a camcorder! This gem is called Camp Blood and will certainly be a future review indeed! I won't go on about it here though, you can hear all about it in the review when it pops up in perhaps a few weeks time.
On the other end of the scale I watched a good film this week (something I seldom do!) called Gran Torino. I'd heard good things about it and Clint Eastwood is a living (just about) legend so I picked it up on DVD. It's certainly a good touching film with a lot of messages in there but I felt slightly disappointed with the ending somewhat. It's a sad ending but it just didn't quite have the right level of satisfaction for me. However, the music at the end is one of the most tender emotional songs I have heard in my life, beautiful.
And for the two or three people who read these updates (or blogs or diary updates, etc) I'll let you know now that the next two upcoming reviews shall be: Demonic Toys and then Pet Sematary. This is a fact because they're both complete and ready to be uploaded. I have to say, I do like my Pet Semetary review a lot, one of my personal favourites I think.
So, thanks everyone, bye for now and see you in the next review!

Taking a break...

Don't worry loyal and dedicated fan, I will not be taking months or even years off. I just want a few weeks off from killing my brain cells via some truly awful films.
Pocket Ninjas and Zardoz, despite being amusing and laughable, left me drained and so a few weeks off to recharge the batteries will see me come back ready to tackle those crap movies better than before. I hope.
Must take a moment to thank every single person who sends me film requests, I'm always flattered people take the time to message me, whether it be a simple "Please review ..." or an essay length message. It's really pleasing to me. Even the arseholes who leave a few negative comments make me smile because A) They've taken the time to watch that particular video and B) They're taking even more time out on me by sending me a message. Silly bastards. It then moves on to phase C) when I smile even more as I delete their bile. Silly bastards. I think I already said that.
The time I am away will not be wasted. I shall be training as a ninja to impress master Richard Harrison, hunting down the evil Irish business man who makes Silver Shamrock Halloween masks, looking to the sky for giant floating stone heads called Zardoz and running old people over in the streets to gain 100 points ala Death Race 2000. I'm going to have fun, I'm sure.
I'll be back before you know it. You will miss me, right? Remember, if you do, you can always grab a beer and sit back and watch a few old Shitcase Cinema videos, God knows there's enough of the things floating around like giant stones heads.
Speaking of Zardoz, I keep having this uncontrollable urge to say the word Zardoz out loud, no matter where I am. Yesterday I saw a poster advertising a Wizard of Oz show, which made me laugh out loud. No longer will I be able to see the world in the same light thanks to a mental 1974 film with Sean Connery. Amazing.
Well, this is all for now. Nobody will read this any way. I have a feeling Kurt Russell will though. Maybe.

What will March bring Mr. Shitcase?

Hello. How are you? Have you been watching shitty films religiously? I sure hope so. If not, you are unworthy. Indeed!
So, what's new? Yesterday I uploaded the review of Passenger 57. I know it's not a majorly bad film but I personally felt a stock action film needed to be Shitcased. Plus, it's another film to tick off the endless list of requests I get. Speaking of said list, it's growing beyond my control and there is no way I can possibly keep up with the requests nor even get my hands on many of the films for that matter! Even if I were a supreme ninja like Richard Harrison I wouldn't be able to manage it. Damn, I am now unworthy.
Professor Bruce returned a few days ago from time travelling, so he was able to spare a little time to film some footage, so you'll seeing his face once again in the near future - aren't you a lucky bunch! I bet you can't wait and are already counting down the seconds!
Any way, I can tell you now that the next two reviews will be: Puppetmaster and then Death Warrant. I know this because I went to a fortune teller and she told me so it must be true - I had better get my arse in gear and start making them! Oh, wait, they're already done. Wow, this is amazing. I am now worthy again. Oh my Gaaaaawd!
Thanks to everyone who have been leaving nice comments on recent reviews and sending in messages to me, it's always appreciated and makes me want to buy you a beer but I think it's best if I just drink it myself, so that I am able to continue putting myself through the torture of shit films.
Cheers, John. 1st March 2010.

What's happening?

So, what is happening? Not much for Shitcase Cinema. I haven't really worked on anything in the past week, I need motivation to give me a kick up the backside and get working on a new review.
However, don't worry loyal followers of Shitcase Cinema, I have a few reviews already complete and ready to be uploaded so you won't notice a gap at all.
This weekend's upload shall be one of my personal favourite old-school horror flicks, called Horror Express. Yes, it's a little camp and dated by the standards of today but look beyond that and it's a wonderful 85 minutes of horror fun. I hope anyone watching it will enjoy my take on it.
I am trying to get myself ready to review another childhood favourite, Krull, but when I ripped the DVD the audio was 'ruined' by the audio commentary or strangely put into German language! So basically you could say it's useless but I'll try to work my way around that in the following week or so.
I'm trying to constantly think up of new ways to make Shitcase Cinema reach out to a wider audience but I keep hitting a brick wall. Had a lot of positive comments from various sources lately, which is always a great boost, so I thank those people. Thanks to people who keep on watching, fuck the rest of you.